Old entries

Sunday, November 13, 2011

5:28 PM

The entries that you are about to read are old, like 11 months ago… Well, relative to this year, these entries are old. I had these handwritten on a notepad first, and now I decided to write it in my blog. I had some dialogues with my past self. =) See how I argued with some of my previous thoughts.

Written January 4, 2011

Jan. 1

It is the first day of the year; a mixture of positive and negative. 15 mins before 2011, my parents were arguing. But after the countdown, we jumped and greeted each other a happy new year! My father had this idea; I never thought he would suggest that. He asked the whole family to gather around the dining table and pray together. Wow! What a great start for a great year. Btw, Iren, Jeng jeng and I cooked for our medya noche. My siblings and I all went to the market to shop for the ingredients. It was tiring but definitely fun! ( we did not count loud together). We just watch the clock or should I say, I watched the clock tick-tocked.

January 2

Luz, Anne and I met and bonded the whole afternoon. We had our hair cuts at the salon in Riverbanks. We ate spaghetti. We had of course, the ever timeless sharing about love and career. But this time, it is more about love. We also became picture maniac or vain-living girls in an instant, then we went to the mass--wherein we met B. B is a co-Pathways participant who is into Anne =)

Then we went to Anne's place and had our favorite activity second to the endless kwentuhan--movie marathon. We watched the UGLY TRUTH.

Some complex realities--or was it simple, not really complex at all?:o

1. Whether people ask me to do a certain task or whether I initiated it, I enjoyed it--given I commit myself to it. But I got tired..that's given, too actually.  In fairness, the energy drink I took before I leave the house was effective. I didn't feel sleepy for at least 'most of the working hours'.
2. Recently, I noticed that I analyzed too much especially about love… To clarify, I am sure I have never been in love. So the thing is, I did not base my analysis on personal experience. I based it on my knowledge of Psychology, from theories, research, from books, movies, basically secondary sources :(.
3. People talks about love these days, most of the time. Why? Is it because Christmas season is still on the air and February is past-approaching?
4. And the weather… I love it. So cool and relaxing. It is cold but not so much, so people don't get wet that much. People tend to be more relaxed and less stressed.
5. Going back to love. Myfriend and I are looking forward to this date: February 27th. It is the day of RENT--a musical used-to-be-broadway-theatrical-play. We agreed that we'll watch it, at first with A but A didn't like the idea, with DATES. BUT WE DON’T HAVE ANY DATES! One, it is too expensive so whoever that person whom will ask--so awkward, the girls planning to ask the guys :|--he might have second thoughts of buying the ticket. Second, it would be awkward enough to ask, what more to buy tickets for that person, just for the date?! CHALLENGE. (in my original entry, I said, HOPE IT WOULD BE WORTH IT-- so I was thinking to really do those stuffs, and I almost did those stupidities. Thanks to my friends for bumping my head :P)

January 8; Sat; 1:26:09 AM

The awakening--and the dialogue of the past self and the present.

Today, I am finally saying goodbye to that mindset that is basically preoccupied with T's thoughts (AND HOW MANY TIMES DID I EXACTLY BID GOODBYE TO THAT THOUGHT?--yes thought, not feelings) Damn! Tears falling but tears dried up fast (And I actually cried, what the?!) I felt happy… happy that I finally said closing time for that chapter of my life---or so I thought!.

Three years. I spent that long thinking and "dreaming" of him---certainly I WAS PATHETIC! I interpreted subconsciously every single act and built my own reality-blurred-dream about him. I thought him as an ideal… I just let my mind to think over my heart and never fully let someone else conquer my heart. (OK. And I had that realizations since the beginning of the year pala.. But why was it a recurring realization? Maybe because I was stuck into that realization….never had a successful attempt of putting the realization into action!) And I actually said before, "I am awake. No more confusion. I'm finally free!"

Gosh, reading these again, I was thinking, did I really wrote that? And thought about that? I must have gone insane!

He was just being nice to me because I was being nice to him, too. During assessment class, his first and last semester of teaching in Miriam, most of his students didn't actually like him. And I was an exception, as far as I am concerned. I like his way of teaching. I like his Socratic way of asking and fueling up an interesting discussion. I exerted efforts and genuine interest in his class--and I know he knew it, as validated by the recommendation letter he made for my MA application. Nothing special because he was just a good teacher who reciprocated and appreciated the efforts of his students. My own mind fooled me for three long years! --YOU BET! I let him occupy my head-not my heart for 3 yrs! I let nobody enter my heart… I busied my mind thinking about him…

Funny! I wanted to cry.. I felt so stupid thinking about the stupid things I've done… I felt free and happy… This is the UNMATCHED POTENTIAL--potential to be idealistic but failed to be realistic. Not because one is nice, he loves you romantically already. Two of my friends made me realized this. Mr. Unmatched Potential.. The potential I was looking for was not supposed to be my match. I was at my best, and sometimes worst, whenever he is around. Trying to be good in his eyes. The ideal will not be for us.. Maybe because life is unfair and imperfect…or maybe soulmates or mismatched souls don't meet and stick together…

And I hope, this NOV 2011, is the last time that im gonna tell myself that I am finally super over about the idea of him being into me… That, would never happen or it would just be the most impossible reality at least for the moment. But that getting over him means ex-communicating him to my life? Nay, that won’t happen. He is part of it because he is my mentor, period.

Just a thought: October 22, 2011

IDEAL VS THE ONE

Right man in the wrong time vs wrong man in the right time?

Life can be happier and less stressful if we keep one simple thought in our mind, we can't have all that we desire, but God will give us what we deserve.

"Having someone special in one's life is possibly the greatest blessings. But God doesn't make it easy for two individuals to find each other. There are trials to face, and problems to solve. Why? So we could really value and appreciate one another, grow so much in love making it worthy to last a lifetime. Seems complicated, but that's what makes it magical…"

Sent: Oct 22, 2010 6:22:14 PM

Weird, this quotations, appeared as a new message so I thought it was a reply from Ate Alma. Having thought that, I forwarded this to Maxine and Anne.. But I found out that it was sent last Oct 22, 2010, not today.

January 9

--A documentation of last night--

Spontaneously, Anne, Luz and I went to McDo Katips right from our dinner in Mama Chits, Marikina because the restaurant was closing early--9PM. Our other PVOLT friends were in Katipunan by then, specifically in Hop chan and Blue Skies. We had an invitation to be part of that bonding time, but we refused. When we were actually in Katipunan, Luz tried to contact them and asked where they were. They asked us to follow, but Anne and I decided against it. It's not that obvious naman that we were trying to avoid them, huh? And when I thought they wouldn't follow us in McDo, they did! Heartbreak went fast, at least for me and Anne. Kuya Andrew, Aileen Lacar, Mark and Joms were coming. I didn't want to see Joms--not that time. And for Anne, she didn't know how to react with Mark (because this was the time when she was just starting to "accept" the idea of her having "likes" for the guy).

Exchanges of "hi-s and Hello-s", then spontaneously, people started sharing and brainstorming about group trips. However, I felt awkward.

Then Bailey came. He came just to see Anne. But Anne's attention was into Mark and the others, or was she just trying to avoid giving special attention to Bailey by then. Bailey, btw is not a PVOLT member so his coming there, was a totally awkward moment… So I ended up talking to Bailey, and according to Anne, it ended like an interview. Oh, I really sucks in those kind of stuffs! What a shame. I can't even focus on our conversation because I was observing someone. At the back of my mind, I was asking why was Joms silent almost throughout the night? And why was he texting almost throughout the night, instead of joining the group catching-up? And as paranoia strikes, I felt he was glancing at me but not really talking. Well, he barely talked the whole night. Lots of whys. Why do I keep on asking why? I was hoping but I shouldn't be. Not now, or ever. It is hopeless.

P.S. We also found that night that Mark and Aileen might have something special… which Anne felt shocking because she was "falling" already?

January 20,2011

These past few days, I had some extraordinary and firsts experiences, packaged with shocking events. First, my student's dad who was kidnapped and murdered brutally concerned me that much. My vulnerability caused me to bother some people to think of an explanation for the situation. This came from the "automatic writing" that my co-teacher and I did just to know my student's dad's whereabouts. Shockingly and sadly, that 'thing' revealed that he died already (my student's father was already dead, before we even heard it from my student's family or from the news). The "spirit guide" warned me not to tell anyone what I learned. But I am a risk-taker. I told someone, actually some people… my co-teachers in preschool, my closest friends… That led me to be paranoid. I was anxious about the consequences of that action. With all the confusions brought by this uncanny event, and shocking news, I consulted two of my college professors. I also asked my two closest friends and one of my co-volunteers about the matter. I am just the person who can't keep bothering stuffs on myself. I should learn how to do that eventually. Everyone listened to me emphatically but the debriefing that made me feel relaxed came from one of my mentors. The was another first: it was the first time that he shared something other than career or thesis-related thing, which I perceived as a show of care to his student. His response was simple: I can't save everyone; I can only do so much. My propensity to help is both my gift and my curse. I felt relieved with that honest-to-goodness answer.

Another first, other than having your student's dad had a major bad end, and a "paranormal activity" with a co-teacher, is the teaching of new subject matter: quadratic equation, while teaching Social studies, Singapore Math and doing my assignments for my German class. Major headaches!

I love how I learned new things about myself from these old entries.

As i retrospect with these past entries, I believe that I still have the same unresolved issues…because I was stuck in contemplating.. Now, I have to prepare for some real actions… Wait, I think I did that already. I mean the preparation. I am entering action stage… :)