Journeying in different routes Friday

October 28, 2011

I remember in one of the many trips to work, the FX I rode took a very roadless different path. This was due to the heavy traffic occurring by then on major roads. The road was rough, and a bit dark. It was also muddy, and woods surrounded the path. It was a longer path, I should say but during that time, it was the quicker way. Some of the passengers like me didn't contain the anxiety building within. We asked where were we and where were we heading. It was like being blindly directed to somewhere.

Just today, my friend and I who are enrolling for the 2nd sem of MA Counseling, took the validation exam. The idea of it brings discomfort already, but the ugly truth is worse. We found that we were the only ones who would take the exam. The question is WHY? As far as we are concern, our grades are above average. Are there some kind of discrimination? Is coming from a college just beside the school that we are applying for instead of a University causes discrimination? Or is there really something in us that the department chair saw to be questionable enough to give us a validation exam? The answer? We don't know. Just like the answer that one of our mentors gave us, "ewan". He is really good to try to give us comfort saying that there probably is a discrimination but honest enough to tell us that he really don't know. Nevertheless, I like what he gave us in the end: get good grades and show the department that intelligence is not exclusive to some elite groups. 

I think by good grades, he means more. Or I would like to think that having a goal of getting good grades is not the only mean to a good end. Perhaps it could be a jump start to a real career path  in the future. Or maybe taking MA means becoming a better and more matured person; someone who can handle the different "pressures" and responsibilities of a graduate student, colleague, a working person, and most importantly a daughter and sibling to a family.

That was one of the many ironies here. I did not felt joy when  I told my parents about my plan. Their concern was money. They were asking how will I support my studies? Unlike college, this time I am studying on my own--no scholarships or financial assistance from anyone, not even from my parents. And I would do that for at least four more years (that is for MA alone; I read from the e-book that Mr. A sent me that the mean year of finishing a PHD level is 6 years, range: 5 to 7 yrs. So if MA would last at ave. is 3 yrs and PhD is 6 yrs, I should prepare at least more  9 years for studying!). I saw the concern in my parents' face. They were concerned that by supporting myself first, I am becoming a selfish person. Sometimes that thought alone made me feel like I am horrible person. By attending to my needs first, I might forget my responsibilities of "supporting" financially the family needs (well, some of it) or the "plan" of supporting my other siblings' studies. Well, yeah. The typical story of a marginalized family with one daughter thorn between family responsibilities (support family NOW: short-term)  and achieving dreams (long-term).

Becoming a Psychologist is like the end goal, but not really the end. It is like the destination in a travel, but doesn't really mean that journeying stops there. Like that extraordinary travel in the roadless woody travel, entering MA graduate studies has been a little bit of an extraordinary entrance. First, my friend Maxine and I first planned to enroll for the first semester but unfortunately, circumstances did not allow that. So the application was granted for the second semester only. Second, the entrance was not that smooth, or should I say has been more difficult for us. After the typical entrance test and the departmental interview, there was a  validation test for the two of us, exclusively. So what was that? Are we the only ones who applied for the second semester who were dumb or let's put this way--not so qualified? And why do we need to review again for a month the five-month-four-hours course that we already took before? Gratefully, we passed the exam. Third, I am entering this new commitment on my own--no financial assistance. But I guess, the lack of financial assistance and little bit of moral support from family has been compensated by the supports coming from friends, mentors, and co-workers.

However, honestly, the reactions that I get from people comprised of moderate happiness and some questions of "are you sure?". Friends, I have never been sure of a decision before than now. I know that this is what I want. I know that this step is necessary to achieve my long term goal.

So how do I feel? I am really excited. I know that studying will be just studying; although it would be a different level now, with higher level of demands and difficulty, it is still studying. And studying is a journey that is meant to be enjoyed for no matter how promising the destination is, the whole journey would not matter and would be dead boring if not enjoyed. In short, I hope the excitement turned enjoyment will keep the fire of studying always burning… Studying is never easy, not even if you put your heart into it. But that what makes this journey colorful, not just black and white. The more challenge there is, the better the sharpening goes.

Grad school is about meeting new people, discovering new places, learning new stuffs about the world and the self and I mean to experience all of it while I am on this stage. Like a sponge, I want to soak myself into the experience of learning while my feet are already stepping into the outside world. Joggling responsibilities and roles would never be easy, but that is the fun of it. My world is never meant to be dull.  I knew that when I committed myself to this journey, I am not being blindly directed to somewhere; I know my destination and I  am aware of the kind of "road" that I'll be taking. Moreover, I don't feel the need to take a short-cut. I have the time of my life. Take one step at a time.

Challenge, fun, learning, discovery---let's see what else has this new stage prepared for us. =)

motivation seeker

Four hours of travel, back and forth. Eight to more than 8 hrs of work. That quiet need a strong motivation to continue. Pay isn't enough and for me, although it matters especially with the upcoming big expenses, money can never buy my motivation to do better.

The past month have been a rough month especially at work. Almost everyone in the working environment have shits that need to be attended. People get distracted once in a while. And I am one of the distracted ones, so as my boss. In the past month, I only have 5, more or less of on-time reporting. Yeah, my time  orientation really sucks. But, for me, it is not just a matter of time. It is more a discussion of my motivation. How do I say that? Aside from the weekday regular work, I am also spending weekends facilitating workshops and volunteering… and mind you, in those times, I am more or less on-time. The point is, to the things that I believe in, I make effort to deliver my best. I am never a pretender. So I won't pretend that I like being on something if I really don't. Similarly, with the transparency that I have as a person, it will most of the time reflect in my outlook weather I like someone or not.

In my volunteer works, I found ministries. I found myself being a better and growing person in those volunteer endeavors; although there are times when I also question what keeps me on sticking to those commitments and responsibilities. Whenever I ask that question, I always arrive with the same answer (although I forget the answer sometimes): I COMMIT MYSELF TO THAT BECAUSE I BELIEVE ON WHAT IT BELIEVES IN. I wanted to be part of the implementer of their mission and vision.

However, when it comes to my current work, I am suffering a great difficulty finding the rightful motivation to compensate the energy needed in that work.

But today was different. With the preparations for the upcoming Halloween party, I felt motivated. I felt energized despite the very tiring activities that we did today. I felt like I am into a real team who is working on one goal: that is to deliver a very successful two-bird-one-stone halloween / book talk tomorrow. It was light working with laughter, cooperation and the relationship that took place today was basically give-and-take. No criticisms, judgments, and misunderstandings. All is well.

I also love the fact that everyone gets the chance to everyone else. And that everyone contributed and participated. Practicing for a dance was a good thing also. Aside from the "exercise", it was really a bonding experience. I hope this great end of the semester is a start of a new and big semester--as a better teacher, employee, co-volunteer, new grad student, and most importantly a family member.Four hours of travel, back and forth. Eight to more than 8 hrs of work. That quiet need a strong motivation to continue. Pay isn't enough and for me, although it matters especially with the upcoming big expenses, money can never buy my motivation to do better.

The past month have been a rough month especially at work. Almost everyone in the working environment have shits that need to be attended. People get distracted once in a while. And I am one of the distracted ones, so as my boss. In the past month, I only have 5, more or less of on-time reporting. Yeah, my time  orientation really sucks. But, for me, it is not just a matter of time. It is more a discussion of my motivation. How do I say that? Aside from the weekday regular work, I am also spending weekends facilitating workshops and volunteering… and mind you, in those times, I am more or less on-time. The point is, to the things that I believe in, I make effort to deliver my best. I am never a pretender. So I won't pretend that I like being on something if I really don't. Similarly, with the transparency that I have as a person, it will most of the time reflect in my outlook weather I like someone or not.

In my volunteer works, I found ministries. I found myself being a better and growing person in those volunteer endeavors; although there are times when I also question what keeps me on sticking to those commitments and responsibilities. Whenever I ask that question, I always arrive with the same answer (although I forget the answer sometimes): I COMMIT MYSELF TO THAT BECAUSE I BELIEVE ON WHAT IT BELIEVES IN. I wanted to be part of the implementer of their mission and vision.

However, when it comes to my current work, I am suffering a great difficulty finding the rightful motivation to compensate the energy needed in that work.

But today was different. With the preparations for the upcoming Halloween party, I felt motivated. I felt energized despite the very tiring activities that we did today. I felt like I am into a real team who is working on one goal: that is to deliver a very successful two-bird-one-stone halloween / book talk tomorrow. It was light working with laughter, cooperation and the relationship that took place today was basically give-and-take. No criticisms, judgments, and misunderstandings. All is well.

I also love the fact that everyone gets the chance to everyone else. And that everyone contributed and participated. Practicing for a dance was a good thing also. Aside from the "exercise", it was really a bonding experience. I hope this great end of the semester is a start of a new and big semester--as a better teacher, employee, co-volunteer, new grad student, and most importantly a family member.

New Addiction

I am a fan of arts. and for me, acting is one of it. One of the many reasons why despite the many deadlines and stuffs to do, i still manage to find time watching either movie/s or TV series. =)

And my latest addiction is: VAMPIRE DIARIES.

I read the book, and i loved it! and now, i am crazy about the new Season 3 of this TV series. It's fiction and full of mystery and fantasy but there is something on it that is always close to reality: LOVE =)

I also love the actors, not to mention Ian Somerhalder =)