spell love: L-O-V-E

I guess, I am not really over it. I won't get over because I never started any..anything about getting a life. By that I mean, getting life and finding love. I always wanted, always dreamt, always wished, always thought I've acted to get that…but I actually never did.

I thought I am living my life. I always say that I am living and not merely existing.. But hell no. For the past 21 years and almost seven months of my life, I  live just to exist. You know, use my mind, logic to adapt on the so-called life, work things out, solve... Logic doesn't always explain everything. Sometimes, there are things that happen without any reason at all.. Or without reasons that  are completely comprehensible by the human mind but can be felt by our heart. I don't need to look for it. I don't need to always feel that I am single looking for someone who will make me feel like am a part of a whole and once I found him, ill be whole…again.. Ney, that's not it. The thing is I have to live my life! Yes, everyone has a life no matter what it is. Everyone has a life…and love is the process to live that life.

Sometimes it happens. Sometimes it doesn't. Sometimes, you think that you need to wait. But hell, you don't. Waiting is not what it is all about. It is about stopping, you decide for how long… stopping for all the busyness that eats one's chance to live a life---to a balanced life. But it should not end on stopping. STOP. BREATH. WEAR A GENUINE SMILE and WALK THROUGH LIFE. That's when the ball start bouncing and life goes on… It's up to you if you are gonna shoot the ball and score or pass it and let the chance slip…hoping to get a rebound if ever. Ironically, time won't stop when we stop. But we have our own phasing, doesn't mean that time keeps running, we too will keep running. We're not time. That's why we need sleep, food, break… But there is something else that needs to accompany time for us not just to keep moving, but to stay living… tis love.

Sometimes, it happens in the most unexpected, incomprehensible manner…the only thing that matters is that it happens. It is what matters. The fact that it happens and that it is being part of how one is living his/her life.

Sometimes, one will think that he/she is not good enough to deserve a real love… but love is not about technical competencies. It is not about what you do, how much you know, how many skills you can apply… it is about having ample time to spend for that significant other.. It is about listening to how you feel and stop being logical for a moment or so… love is not just a word. It is a complex emotions which make us complex human beings. Love, like our heart, is what keeps us alive. We can have brain damage, we can be brain dead, we can be crazy, mentally ill or so… yet we can still breath… because we have our heart… we have love.

Sometimes, you find it [romantic love] early. Early for one's age. Sometimes, you find it a bit late… But what matters is you found it, still the same. Specially if…once the moment you found it, you feel how to keep and treasure it onto your life.

Some are meant for a happy ending.. Meeting their prince charming, putting their glass shoes back and closing the vows with a sweet kiss. Some others, in contrary, found it and cherished the moment  when they had it…and decided that it's not for them. Well, that's fine… as long as one knows why at first he/she made that decision.

I know. These are all random thoughts. But, won't lie anymore. I think I feel love. NO! It wasn't thinking. I was over about thinking that I am feeling. I mean, I love someone. To be this crazy. To keep thinking about him literally everyday. To get affected with a snap out of those short or long or sensible or nonsense stuffs he said or do, even if it means absolutely nothing…Maybe..maybe, it started with a simple crush…a simple admiration.. But I suck myself by making a pathetic love story all inside my head. I practically created a fantasy that thinking is feeling…fantasies are good but it should not mess up your realities.

Don't get me wrong. I believe in love. I actually loved that man. Yes. In the past tense. BUT I still love him, though. It's just not the way I used to get crazy about him. I am over about that love that was fueled by my thinking side… However, I am not yet over being in love. There's no specific man or no one at all at the moment. The only present is the promise that once I begin living a life---a real life, if you know what I mean (not being toooo workaholic, tooo future oriented, and too fanatic of the past, real pathetic past)---then IT will come naturally. Love. Yes, it will come naturally, spontaneously. Not planned. Not set-up. Natural. Because it is a human tendency to love and fall in love, to get hurt, feel pain, pleasure, learn, live and love…LIVE and LOVE… lIve and lOve. Stop thinking about the "I". Start feeling that the world is rOund. And that love is just around. Remember it's a cycle and not just a line segment with a start and an end. It is liberating. LIVE and LOVE.

20 years from now, I will look and reexamine again this blog. To see if I REALLY LIVE MY LIFE. I must do that. If I find out that I am not living my life even up to that age… I guess I have to start again. Like starting today that I am 21 years old…except that by that time, it would be double my age…And it would be an ugly truth that is... that I've messed the past 20 years of my life.

OK. Enough about thinking too much and being too futuristic…I said.

Jesus visits me in my dream

It was a dream that despite the fact that weeks have passed already, it is still vivid to me:

I am in a jeepney, a public utility vehicle in the Philippines; a common means of transportation. I don't know where I am heading that time…Maybe South (Time Paradox: "going South").

In the jeepney, passengers are present; but I can only recognize two people: Ate Alma and Sr. Edith

Ate Alma is my co-volunteer in 'Skwelahang Sikolohiya. She was the previous VP and now the Pres in that organization. I like her but recently, I experienced dislike to her because I felt she is too bossy and inconsiderate. I also felt that she is not acting a leader to us.

My Theology Teacher when I was in second year college: Sr. Edith Ontiveros. She gave me a small gift --glass image of Jesus. It was days after the course with her was done. She has the same birthday with mine.

In that dream, it's like that my Theo teacher is giving us (me and ate alma) our "salaries" or compensation. Sr. Edith also gave additional compensation to both of us. But when it was my turn to receive the additional compensation, the driver of the vehicle turned around and spoke to me:

"Don't accept that, Aylin. (I was struck! The one speaking to me was Jesus! Then He spoke to Sister) Edith, you don’t need to give it o her. She knows that she won't be needing the extra pay."

Then, I woke up.

Thanks God for reminding me how should I live and for guiding me in surviving the current storms into my life: my commitments and responsibilities.

Relationship rule

An excerpt from The 100/0 Principle by Al Ritter

What is the most effective way to create and sustain great relationships with others? It's The 100/0 Principle: You take full responsibility (the 100) for the relationship, expecting nothing (the 0) in return. Implementing The 100/0 Principle is not natural for most of us. It takes real commitment to the relationship and a good dose of self-discipline to think, act and give 100 percent. The 100/0 Principle applies to those people in your life where the relationships are too important to react automatically or judgmentally. Each of us must determine the relationships to which this principle should apply. For most of us, it applies to work associates, customers, suppliers, family and friends.

• STEP 1 - Determine what you can do to make the relationship work...then do it. Demonstrate respect and kindness to the other person, whether he/she deserves it or not. • STEP 2 - Do not expect anything in return. Zero, zip, nada. • STEP 3 - Do not allow anything the other person says or does (no matter how annoying!) to affect you. In other words, don't take the bait. • STEP 4 - Be persistent with your graciousness and kindness. Often we give up too soon, especially when others don't respond in kind. Remember to expect nothing in return.

At times (usually few), the relationship can remain challenging, even toxic, despite your 100 percent commitment and self-discipline. When this occurs, you need to avoid being the "Knower" and shift to being the "Learner." Avoid Knower statements/ thoughts like "that won't work," "I'm right, you are wrong," "I know it and you don't," "I'll teach you," "that's just the way it is," "I need to tell you what I know," etc. Instead use Learner statements/thoughts like "Let me find out what is going on and try to understand the situation," "I could be wrong," "I wonder if there is anything of value here," "I wonder if..." etc. In other words, as a Learner, be curious! Principle Paradox This may strike you as strange, but here's the paradox: When you take authentic responsibility for a relationship, more often than not the other person quickly chooses to take responsibility as well. Consequently, the 100/0 relationship quickly transforms into something approaching 100/100. When that occurs, true breakthroughs happen for the individuals involved, their teams, their organizations and their families. From: Simple Truth