Is it typical for a teacher to write a letter of frustration to her students? I'm not sure. What i commonly hear is that of a student/ students writing letters or open letters expressing disgust/ hatred to their "beloved" teachers... When i was a student, i think i was one of them. However, i would probably do one letter of frustration.. in a moment. yeah i know this sounds childish and not to mention, pathetic but bare with me.
dear YOU,
you know what? i love teaching...well that's what i thought. maybe i just like it.i love it when i see the simplicity of life.. as what you little kids show me each and everyday. I love it when you remember what i taught you the other day or weeks before. I love it when i see you enjoying our classes.i love to see you play, learn and grow. i love when you just speak spontaneously--without much thinking. i love how you can make me smile and have a belly laugh easily. i love when you stop crying whenever i give you my attention and hugs. i love when you hug and kiss me in the most unexpected moments and ways. i love when you had me think of things over and over again, especially those that you didn't really mean to say. i love when you call me teacher... or just shows your thirst of attention...yes, i do love them..i love learning new things from you--as in really new in my 20 year old mind. You are teaching me more than i am to you. but do i love teaching? would there be a difference of loving and caring for you and for my "teaching"? can you hear me? do you happen to know the answers in my questions?
No. i don't think i am INTO teaching that much. i am guilty of not doing my LPs on time. I am guilty of not coming in classes on time. i am guilty of coming up with resolutions--really good ones--but failing on the execution part. And i notice how you kids come late as well. the other teacher says you probably wake up late because of the cold weather; but i have a hunch. maybe, that's one reason. but probably, you come late lately because you see me do the same. damn! i hate it. i feel frustrated.
I hate being called irresponsible... (they don't actually call me one; i just thought they think of me that way) but how do you call these? it is being irresponsible. i rely heavily on being spontaneous..i prepare a lesson planned ahead in my mind but keep on avoiding documenting it. i say avoiding because even if i say i've been so busy that i didn't have time to do it... i can't just say it. i mean, it would be a lie because i DO have a time and can make a time if i so want to. like the way i wanted to finish a paper such a psychological report or a thesis. Then what's this? an issue about passion? yeah, i know you still have a young mind. i am not even sure if you can understand this ranting.. but i hope your young mind can help me clear mine. but i would not dare you read this because this would probably erase all the respect left in you for me.
i hate it when i try to think of a creative activity each and everyday.. but seemed not interesting for you; maybe there is something wrong with my delivery. Is it the way i speak? am i that boring? do i have that really soft but annoying voice? am i not worth your respect that you didn't bother to listen? why do every time i show care for you such as when i tell you to stop doing dangerous things or saying inappropriate things or be careful, you keep on ignoring me. and why is it that whenever something happens to you, i am being blamed even if i am not really at fault. oh, im stupid. how come i can say it's not my fault when the fact of the matter is that i am the adult, the sole responsible for a little need-to-be-cared kids like you. how can i say this as if it sounds like you're fully responsible for your actions when in fact you're just grade schoolers, toddlers or nursery kids who are not really aware of what the real world is? i am stupid.
i feel frustrated and damned every time i finished conceptualizing my plan for our class but never deliver it 100%. i feel so really stupid when you say indirectly in my face those simple just-need-a-lil-common-sense things. I hate it when i try to teach you something about a broad, seemed-like-adult-stuffs but you seemed to know it better than i do. but i felt grateful for that as well. before i forgot, i'd like to say thank you. you just don't know how i owe you so much. but hey, my mood here is supposed to be in ranting mode. so i'll continue...
i hate it when i feel excited about studying things like 're-studying' algebra so as to teach it to you. but i hate myself double when i felt like i knew it but just seemed incapable of transferring the information and wisdom to you. i hate it when i feel tired and yet feeling not accomplishing half of my goals.
OK, enough hating. I feel better now. i know you heard all my rantings, but i know it would take time before these things really sink into you... and after all the rantings, i wanted to say sorry. i won't promise anything. i won't promise i won't get angry or mad or sad or frustrated. i won't promise i won't suspect my co-teachers attempts to be close and open as phonies. i won't promise i won't be late. i won't promise i won't fully trust my boss's words. but now that i know i am capable of loving you kids, and prone to being incapable of loving teaching and only liking part and not the entirety of it instead, i will make it up to you. how? hmm, "let me think first".. just like the way i always say it to you whenever i feel ADD in the middle of our classes or sessions.
There! now i know how can i make it up to you. i will do what i am fond of doing. one, i am fond of listening.. and not much of the talking...except when i really am sure of what i am saying; but those are just few instances, like talking about myself or talking about an interesting movie or book or theory i've learned or read. I am also fond of sharing.. sharing my interpretations as well as searching. so what i will do is to extend a lil effort. that would not be difficult in the long run since, as i've known myself, i am used to exerting efforts. (that's maybe why i feel frustrated feeling irresponsible these past few times). In short, i am fond of listening, talking and sharing a lil bit, but mostly interested in driving you to commit in your own actions...and seeing you take a leap on your own. i don't like to be at your back forever. i can't stay there for you to lean on for the rest of my life (as if you will). no, no. i can't do that.
So here's my proposal to you my beloved students. we will try to meet in the middle. i will prolong my patience... sympathize and empathize in your shoes. learn as much as possible from you and from the experiences of our daily interactions. i will use my skills to help you. i will try to apply the theories that i've learned and learn something new as well. having the purpose of learning would count as a motivation more than the money. That was why even if my boss deducted a percentage of my salary for my tardiness (and that stopped already because i wasn't being late anymore!), it didn't change my "bad habit" Money doesn't really motivate me that easy. although, i'll be hypocrite if i say it won't count. i'll just say it somewhat matters; but it is not the everything.
i don't expect you to do what i propose i'll do. what i want you to exert as part of the deal is for you to continue showing the things that make me love you better than i love teaching..and that includes "cursing" me or the subject if you must..i will treat you as a child as i am a parent to you.
Sigh. i do not know if these make sense. but just the same. this is it. i felt frustrated. but i felt relieved at the same time. writing you this letter is therapeutic, you know. that is why i encouraged you to just continue being as damned honest as you do...even if your honesty hurts me so damned hard. Still, thank you, thank you, dearest students. you've shown and brought out one sleeping part of me.. the soul of a real teacher. thank you for the experience. this, i will treasure forever.
colliding hate and love,
A
