spiral process

this is one of those unwanted days...when i had to work so hard, had so much headaches and yet, people see only the mistakes...this kind of a day in which your whole personality and humanity was judged by a single mistake, not even a crime. but there are those kinds of people who can make you look like the worst person, worst than a hopeless incarcerated person. i don't hate those people [who judged too much]. i just count those reactions to a thing called: individual differences.

thinking about this, this kind of instance occurred already before. and whenever this happen, i feel bad or worse about myself. but i think there are some improvements now. today, i don't feel that bad or worse about myself anymore. what happened is not a result of what i just did, said or thought; rather a result of different factors that affected this day (e.g., my personal situation, yes, the number of co-workers present, and number of students, not to mention each individual student's demands, are just some of these few possible interacting factors). I might sound like rationalizing or what, but i am also stating facts here. my point, looking back at the aylin before who encountered this kind of situation, i am more open-minded and less self-blaming now. :)

this kind of days, is one of those kinds which reminds that i can always improve and move up the spiral process. a door for improvement opens...

don't get me wrong. i am not becoming indifferent here. I am affected but not to the point of depression. besides, maybe what happened is not so good,  even worst but that doesn't make THE day. there are other things about this day (e.g., my students showing excellent tests scores, accomplishing some student tasks like getting a locker, ID :D)

indeed, a total stranger, who didn't even see me personally might see me as the worst person of the day, for delivering a very disappointing work output in a work that i secondarily like; but that's just one strong nega compared to many positives (like someone who knows me well, especially with the stuffs that i love to do, appreciated my efforts today...) so it is a so-so day. prolly that's why i'm not that affected. :)

sweets make my heart melt, especially these ones from my student :)

from Karl Kobe Ang

Old entries

Sunday, November 13, 2011

5:28 PM

The entries that you are about to read are old, like 11 months ago… Well, relative to this year, these entries are old. I had these handwritten on a notepad first, and now I decided to write it in my blog. I had some dialogues with my past self. =) See how I argued with some of my previous thoughts.

Written January 4, 2011

Jan. 1

It is the first day of the year; a mixture of positive and negative. 15 mins before 2011, my parents were arguing. But after the countdown, we jumped and greeted each other a happy new year! My father had this idea; I never thought he would suggest that. He asked the whole family to gather around the dining table and pray together. Wow! What a great start for a great year. Btw, Iren, Jeng jeng and I cooked for our medya noche. My siblings and I all went to the market to shop for the ingredients. It was tiring but definitely fun! ( we did not count loud together). We just watch the clock or should I say, I watched the clock tick-tocked.

January 2

Luz, Anne and I met and bonded the whole afternoon. We had our hair cuts at the salon in Riverbanks. We ate spaghetti. We had of course, the ever timeless sharing about love and career. But this time, it is more about love. We also became picture maniac or vain-living girls in an instant, then we went to the mass--wherein we met B. B is a co-Pathways participant who is into Anne =)

Then we went to Anne's place and had our favorite activity second to the endless kwentuhan--movie marathon. We watched the UGLY TRUTH.

Some complex realities--or was it simple, not really complex at all?:o

1. Whether people ask me to do a certain task or whether I initiated it, I enjoyed it--given I commit myself to it. But I got tired..that's given, too actually.  In fairness, the energy drink I took before I leave the house was effective. I didn't feel sleepy for at least 'most of the working hours'.
2. Recently, I noticed that I analyzed too much especially about love… To clarify, I am sure I have never been in love. So the thing is, I did not base my analysis on personal experience. I based it on my knowledge of Psychology, from theories, research, from books, movies, basically secondary sources :(.
3. People talks about love these days, most of the time. Why? Is it because Christmas season is still on the air and February is past-approaching?
4. And the weather… I love it. So cool and relaxing. It is cold but not so much, so people don't get wet that much. People tend to be more relaxed and less stressed.
5. Going back to love. Myfriend and I are looking forward to this date: February 27th. It is the day of RENT--a musical used-to-be-broadway-theatrical-play. We agreed that we'll watch it, at first with A but A didn't like the idea, with DATES. BUT WE DON’T HAVE ANY DATES! One, it is too expensive so whoever that person whom will ask--so awkward, the girls planning to ask the guys :|--he might have second thoughts of buying the ticket. Second, it would be awkward enough to ask, what more to buy tickets for that person, just for the date?! CHALLENGE. (in my original entry, I said, HOPE IT WOULD BE WORTH IT-- so I was thinking to really do those stuffs, and I almost did those stupidities. Thanks to my friends for bumping my head :P)

January 8; Sat; 1:26:09 AM

The awakening--and the dialogue of the past self and the present.

Today, I am finally saying goodbye to that mindset that is basically preoccupied with T's thoughts (AND HOW MANY TIMES DID I EXACTLY BID GOODBYE TO THAT THOUGHT?--yes thought, not feelings) Damn! Tears falling but tears dried up fast (And I actually cried, what the?!) I felt happy… happy that I finally said closing time for that chapter of my life---or so I thought!.

Three years. I spent that long thinking and "dreaming" of him---certainly I WAS PATHETIC! I interpreted subconsciously every single act and built my own reality-blurred-dream about him. I thought him as an ideal… I just let my mind to think over my heart and never fully let someone else conquer my heart. (OK. And I had that realizations since the beginning of the year pala.. But why was it a recurring realization? Maybe because I was stuck into that realization….never had a successful attempt of putting the realization into action!) And I actually said before, "I am awake. No more confusion. I'm finally free!"

Gosh, reading these again, I was thinking, did I really wrote that? And thought about that? I must have gone insane!

He was just being nice to me because I was being nice to him, too. During assessment class, his first and last semester of teaching in Miriam, most of his students didn't actually like him. And I was an exception, as far as I am concerned. I like his way of teaching. I like his Socratic way of asking and fueling up an interesting discussion. I exerted efforts and genuine interest in his class--and I know he knew it, as validated by the recommendation letter he made for my MA application. Nothing special because he was just a good teacher who reciprocated and appreciated the efforts of his students. My own mind fooled me for three long years! --YOU BET! I let him occupy my head-not my heart for 3 yrs! I let nobody enter my heart… I busied my mind thinking about him…

Funny! I wanted to cry.. I felt so stupid thinking about the stupid things I've done… I felt free and happy… This is the UNMATCHED POTENTIAL--potential to be idealistic but failed to be realistic. Not because one is nice, he loves you romantically already. Two of my friends made me realized this. Mr. Unmatched Potential.. The potential I was looking for was not supposed to be my match. I was at my best, and sometimes worst, whenever he is around. Trying to be good in his eyes. The ideal will not be for us.. Maybe because life is unfair and imperfect…or maybe soulmates or mismatched souls don't meet and stick together…

And I hope, this NOV 2011, is the last time that im gonna tell myself that I am finally super over about the idea of him being into me… That, would never happen or it would just be the most impossible reality at least for the moment. But that getting over him means ex-communicating him to my life? Nay, that won’t happen. He is part of it because he is my mentor, period.

Just a thought: October 22, 2011

IDEAL VS THE ONE

Right man in the wrong time vs wrong man in the right time?

Life can be happier and less stressful if we keep one simple thought in our mind, we can't have all that we desire, but God will give us what we deserve.

"Having someone special in one's life is possibly the greatest blessings. But God doesn't make it easy for two individuals to find each other. There are trials to face, and problems to solve. Why? So we could really value and appreciate one another, grow so much in love making it worthy to last a lifetime. Seems complicated, but that's what makes it magical…"

Sent: Oct 22, 2010 6:22:14 PM

Weird, this quotations, appeared as a new message so I thought it was a reply from Ate Alma. Having thought that, I forwarded this to Maxine and Anne.. But I found out that it was sent last Oct 22, 2010, not today.

January 9

--A documentation of last night--

Spontaneously, Anne, Luz and I went to McDo Katips right from our dinner in Mama Chits, Marikina because the restaurant was closing early--9PM. Our other PVOLT friends were in Katipunan by then, specifically in Hop chan and Blue Skies. We had an invitation to be part of that bonding time, but we refused. When we were actually in Katipunan, Luz tried to contact them and asked where they were. They asked us to follow, but Anne and I decided against it. It's not that obvious naman that we were trying to avoid them, huh? And when I thought they wouldn't follow us in McDo, they did! Heartbreak went fast, at least for me and Anne. Kuya Andrew, Aileen Lacar, Mark and Joms were coming. I didn't want to see Joms--not that time. And for Anne, she didn't know how to react with Mark (because this was the time when she was just starting to "accept" the idea of her having "likes" for the guy).

Exchanges of "hi-s and Hello-s", then spontaneously, people started sharing and brainstorming about group trips. However, I felt awkward.

Then Bailey came. He came just to see Anne. But Anne's attention was into Mark and the others, or was she just trying to avoid giving special attention to Bailey by then. Bailey, btw is not a PVOLT member so his coming there, was a totally awkward moment… So I ended up talking to Bailey, and according to Anne, it ended like an interview. Oh, I really sucks in those kind of stuffs! What a shame. I can't even focus on our conversation because I was observing someone. At the back of my mind, I was asking why was Joms silent almost throughout the night? And why was he texting almost throughout the night, instead of joining the group catching-up? And as paranoia strikes, I felt he was glancing at me but not really talking. Well, he barely talked the whole night. Lots of whys. Why do I keep on asking why? I was hoping but I shouldn't be. Not now, or ever. It is hopeless.

P.S. We also found that night that Mark and Aileen might have something special… which Anne felt shocking because she was "falling" already?

January 20,2011

These past few days, I had some extraordinary and firsts experiences, packaged with shocking events. First, my student's dad who was kidnapped and murdered brutally concerned me that much. My vulnerability caused me to bother some people to think of an explanation for the situation. This came from the "automatic writing" that my co-teacher and I did just to know my student's dad's whereabouts. Shockingly and sadly, that 'thing' revealed that he died already (my student's father was already dead, before we even heard it from my student's family or from the news). The "spirit guide" warned me not to tell anyone what I learned. But I am a risk-taker. I told someone, actually some people… my co-teachers in preschool, my closest friends… That led me to be paranoid. I was anxious about the consequences of that action. With all the confusions brought by this uncanny event, and shocking news, I consulted two of my college professors. I also asked my two closest friends and one of my co-volunteers about the matter. I am just the person who can't keep bothering stuffs on myself. I should learn how to do that eventually. Everyone listened to me emphatically but the debriefing that made me feel relaxed came from one of my mentors. The was another first: it was the first time that he shared something other than career or thesis-related thing, which I perceived as a show of care to his student. His response was simple: I can't save everyone; I can only do so much. My propensity to help is both my gift and my curse. I felt relieved with that honest-to-goodness answer.

Another first, other than having your student's dad had a major bad end, and a "paranormal activity" with a co-teacher, is the teaching of new subject matter: quadratic equation, while teaching Social studies, Singapore Math and doing my assignments for my German class. Major headaches!

I love how I learned new things about myself from these old entries.

As i retrospect with these past entries, I believe that I still have the same unresolved issues…because I was stuck in contemplating.. Now, I have to prepare for some real actions… Wait, I think I did that already. I mean the preparation. I am entering action stage… :) 

GRAD SCHOOL!! MA here we are! ;)

Yesterday was the first day of my grad school class. I am officially an MA student in Ateneo. I felt so happy that i am actually realizing my goals and dreams one at a time.Although, i didn't get the teacher that i want to have for my first class in grad school, i am still happy to have the subject that i am genuinely interested with--Cognitive Psychology!

I love the first 6 to 9PM class. Our teacher in Cognitive Psy is very engaging, and has a really loud voice which makes us all, or most of us, awake during the period. But what i love most about that first meeting was  the subject matter. I bet the teacher was seeing some sparks in my eyes as I listened to him. I feel that i will enjoy the rest of the semester, except that this sem will surely be so tiring :). I am especially thrilled about the mini-research. You know, research always thrills me.

This new stage of my life, and for that matter, my friend Max's life too, is a new head start for both of us. A new complex learning in a new environment--although not completely new to me. I was expecting to meet new people and i assumed that i knew no one in my class. But that was false. I was surprised to know that one of my adviser's friend whom i met in a very informal manner before was seating two rows behind me!

Oh btw, Max and I chose to seat in front because we want to listen carefully to out teacher--trying to be diligent students, huh? :)

So hello MA! We are going to rock! :D

And I realized that I've never met love personally after all these years

The last two consecutive weekends of October has been remarkable. I had quality talks with friends, real close friends. And those talks made me realized that I have never meet love on a personal note, so as real mature romantic relationships per say.

Saturday morning, third week of October. I lost my phone, yet again. Take note that this phone was new! And as if money is easy to earn to buy new handset, I lost the new phone again. As the lost of that phone took place, I was able to recognize what was missing in me for real for the longest time. The real wisdom about love and relationship.

On that afternoon up to the early 1AM of Sunday, the next day, I was with two of my closest college friends: Max and Gijik. What kept us up, in Bo's then in Starbucks, was not only coffee but more so the talk about love. Gijik shared her recent love dilemma. But she also confessed that we were just the second option when it comes to talking about love. I felt sad when I learned that Gijik would prefer to talk to a newer close friend than us regarding love matters. Her reason: she was not sure if she can talk to us about that topic. What made her say that? The fact that Max and I have not been in any real relationships, rather, in any relationship, period. So the idea being suggested was that the lack of experience made us not the first option to talk to about lovelife. Well, that hurts. But in some way, I agree. I mean, I can probably listen, but what do I really say? Stuffs coming from books, novels, meaning stuffs coming from secondary sources…not coming from mine. Also, that's the point of saying experience is the best teacher. Would that mean that to gain wisdom on that is to experience that [love]? Well, whether there is a handful wisdom or pain package in loving, I always want to experience some genuine love…

That talk was one of the best talks of my 2011 so far, with Max and Gijik.

Sunday. I volunteered facilitating one of the Pathways college leadership formation workshops. The topic assigned to me was: Strategic Management and Community development. This kinds of stuffs are the ones that I love to do. But other than the fun and love of facilitating and teaching some teens, and young adults, I also love spending time with people like me… People who spent Sundays volunteering instead of "dating" or with the "primary family".

After the volunteer work, the facilitators usually hang-out for a dinner, typically in Kenny Roger's. I love the talk. I consider my co-facilitators my new found friends, but the relationship with them was not that deep. They are a group of real, dedicated, passionate and adorable people. And I love listening to them. Literally, that was what I did during that Sunday dinner. With occasional nods, and few remarks, I did nothing but listen to their talks about love. I think it was the first time that we talk about that topic. Usually, we talk about lifestyles, works, education…some slightly far personal stuffs. But that Sunday dinner time, we actually talked about love, although still in a little vague terms.  Specifically, we talk about relationships, some forms of it (e.g., teacher-student, camping mates). They brought the topic about some student-teacher relationships  in High Schools and in College. Actually, there is one on that group who had a personal experience of being the student in a teacher-student relationship. Another one didn’t exactly take part into that so-called relationship, but experienced being the teacher who were deeply "admired" by the students. Basically, they discussed the thing called "infatuation" and that was a discussion that contributed to my new discovery of comprehending love. 

One remark that I won't forget from that conversation was: "love comes on its own timing"

The point: it is hard to contribute much when you have no personal experience of the subject matter at hand. :'( Even if the topic was very much familiar (love, teacher-student), my experience of it didn't exactly happen. It just occurred in my mind. :'( It is hard to talk when you don't know what the talk is about.

The next weekend, I was with a different set of close friends: M girls Angelico, Anne, and Luz. The overnight idea was mine. We had it in Anne's place. Luz and Icko cooked deliriously great pasta pesto. We also had Teriyaki Chicken c/o Luz's sister.

Saturday was a fun yet tiring Halloween party at work. Icko and I were so tired with the preparations and the implementation. But the energy seemed revived when we were talking about love. The four of us were settled to sleep already, but we practically sat up and played the "TRUTH" game. That was after we watched a movie and it was past 2 AM already.  We were talking about relationships and love, basically. But it was no ordinary talk that we had before. That talk was deeper than any others we had, well at least as far as I am concerned. I know the details of their love stories, each of them. But I realized that I was only, again, secondary option to talk to when it comes to real talks about relationships and lovelife. I don't mean negative. And I think, my friends M Girls, did not mean to made me a second option. In fact, I was only second options to Icko and Luz. With Anne, I am the first she confided to. But the issue was not who was informed first. The issue was that, I was perceived to be someone who despite being a good listener and friend is 'not that ready' to talk about relationship stuffs.

I was thinking, Icko confided first at me… but not exactly his lovelife.. His real identity actually. So a friend confides the more-general-serious-personal stuffs than the relationships stuffs, first to me but the lovelife stuffs to other friends first.

Another thing, we were talking about the same topic but my contributions to the talk were all vague. Anne's were a little bit specific, but still vague.. Or should I say with a tone of confusion. But what Luz and Icko shared made me see a whole new perspective. I saw how my friends are capable of identifying what love and how love works for or with them. I envy them a lil for that. I can't say they are in all-always happy relationships, but relationships are not always happy. That's what I get from them. In loving, is feeling pain. The amount of pain sometimes becomes one's tangible measure of love…but the pain is actually what makes their individual relationships grow stronger and last happier. They can see beyond pain and those were love and contentment. As they share, I saw that their love is multi-time dimentional… not like mine, if you call that love at all--only futuristic. Their love encompasses the past, both positive and negative past with their significant others, then their present which they are very much enjoying, and then their look into the future… seeing their relationships in a long-term aspect.

This thing called love made my friends more mature and wiser than I thought. And which makes me feel like a child and ignorant of the world basic, yet most complex stuff: LOVE.

I may be a young adult with a matured thinking, can analyze complex behaviors; but I know or rather experience nothing enough to fully comprehend love.

Third Week of Oct

Dear Diary,

Bare with me for this will be a long entry.

The boss

Today, I woke up early. I actually slept late, but woke up early and basically had a not so deep sleep. I was a bit tipsy. When I woke up, the pants and shirts that I changed last night was on the floor. I was amazed, I even forgot to put it in the laundry basket. That was the effect of alcohol to me (well, at least the less consumption of it; it always keeps my mind so alert).

I got a little drank last night. Icko and I were invited to T. Arleen's parents' 37th anniversary celebration. It was a simple celebration. And I am always amazed at couples who lasts like forever.

Last night at the taxi on the way to T. Arleen's place and on the dinner table itself, I was able to open to Angelico my thoughts and feelings about his current involvement in my workplace. I was containing those thoughts to myself, except from occasionally sharing it to Anne or Maxine.

It turned out that Icko was well, the Icko that I know. He said he was not flattered by the fact that my boss has a crush or special attraction to him, and thus giving him more than the special treatment that he deserves. I may sound jealous or bitter here, but one thing for sure: my co-teachers and I do not like any of these idea. We totally disapproved and found it so unethical that our boss, late 30s recently problematic wife, is flirting with my friend, a 21-yr old most of the time immature guy. I am so sorry for being so tactless here, but these are my words about how I see this situation. And I could be wrong or overreacting sometimes.

To illustrate my point, I will cite some examples showing how my self-claimed innocent friend Icko is becoming the instrument of the epitome of inequity and probably infidelity (the latter is a bit too harsh, I know my friend is impulsive but he is not dumb) …

There were times that the boss will secretly text my friend Icko during the office hours and will invite him to buy food or DQ--which she never did before in any of us. An obvious treatment with not so hidden agenda. There were also occasions when she would deliberately distract Icko from talking to me, like texting or telling me personally to go outside and talk because the occasional conversation that I had with Angelico was distracting the people in the center. There were also times when she would tell me my mistakes in public and worst in comparison to him: "Kasi, I was observing Angelico when he was teaching my kids and he was like this and like that.." And many more, irritating occasions.

Ok, enough about the rants in the workplace. Well, there were good turns of events. I was able to speak to Icko. Based on my better judgment, Icko and I still have that bond, bond as friends that my flirty boss can't break---as of the moment, and I hope not. Icko made clear his intentions and none of these is to be involved in something that he knows will ruin his life. Not that I'm telling that having a friendly relationship with my boss will ruin one's life. Yes, I don't like her for being not a leader and a professional. Although I am guilty of professionalism too because of my tardiness--but that is another issue that I should really face on. Contradictory, my boss is considerate. Remove the moodiness and problematic disposition, she is completely harmless and a good employer--although not so good in terms of positive growth and appraisal.

Well, my bitterness and dislike to my boss isn't that obvious right? :P

TEST

Wednesday of wee hours, my mother, father, brother and I were in the hospital. We brought my mother to the hospital because she had seizures.  She had that attack again. She had this tendency to be so sensitive on small matters and be so hurt in simple conflicts. How am I telling this. Because, after that incident, my father told me that I was the one responsible for it. But I did not do anything except that I expressed my dislike about the idea of them being so dependent… believe me, it wasn't a long and heartbreaking discussion. It's just a simple message of please-bare-with-me.

Spending the night and half of the day in the hospital was a bad idea. Yeah, I had the small talks with my father and my lil brother but that's the good thing about it. Oh and one more, because I was able to check FB while in the hospital through my phone, I was happy because I got to reconnect again with one of my favorite persons: my adviser. He was there again, not physically and not totally aware of his impact on that situation, but he was one of the few who distracted me from the big challenge I was facing then. Yes, we were talking about the typical research and MA stuffs but it is good to know that he still cares...

Sleepless night, discomfort, and the financial cost are not so good combinations for a family bonding. But, once again stuffs like this should be part of life to remind us what should our priorities be.

Saying goodbye.

I hate goodbyes and farewells. As much as possible, I don't want to say goodbye. But I had to. We had to. On the same day that my mother was brought to the hospital I learned that one of my previous ANI friend just passed away due to Pneumonia. We were not that close but he was a good friend to me and to everyone else. He may always tease but that who he was and he never meant to hurt. It saddened me that I wont be able to see one long lost friend again…ever…

Other than that, another friend of mine lost her mother.

With all these, it's obvious how life really is. Nothing is permanent. We will never know who will stay for a long time and who will say goodbye soon. We can never be certain about that. But sure we can be certain that time is gold and precious time is limited and can not be wasted. And all the things that we do and say matters to the people we interact and most especially to the people we most care about.

Again, I hate to say goodbye. But this is part of life, And one of the many other goodbyes that life had provided me is the temporary goodbye to some of my current students--tutees actually. I treat them as my kids. I care for their academic but more so of their welfare. They have to leave the tutorials for some reasons but I hope that when they grow up, they'll be great men and leaders. I also hope that my positive impacts t to them remain even if they forget my name .

The seeker of motivation

Four hours of travel, back and forth. Eight to more than 8 hrs of work. That quiet need a strong motivation to continue. Pay isn't enough and for me, although it matters especially with the upcoming big expenses, money can never buy my motivation to do better.

The past month has been a rough month especially at work. Almost everyone in the working environment has shits that need to be attended. People get distracted once in a while. And I am one of the distracted ones, so as my boss. In the past month, I only have 5, more or less of on-time reporting. Yeah, my time  orientation really sucks. But, for me, it is not just a matter of time. It is more a discussion of my motivation. How do I say that? Aside from the weekday regular work, I am also spending weekends facilitating workshops and volunteering… and mind you, in those times, I am more or less on-time. The point is, to the things that I believe in, I make effort to deliver my best. I am never a pretender. So I won't pretend that I like being on something if I really don't. Similarly, with the transparency that I have as a person, it will most of the time reflect in my outlook weather I like someone or not.

In my volunteer works, I found ministries. I found myself being a better and growing person in those volunteer endeavors; although there are times when I also question what keeps me on sticking to those commitments and responsibilities. Whenever I ask that question, I always arrive with the same answer (although I forget the answer sometimes): I COMMIT MYSELF TO THAT BECAUSE I BELIEVE ON WHAT IT BELIEVES IN. I wanted to be part of the implementer of their mission and vision.

However, when it comes to my current work, I am suffering a great difficulty finding the rightful motivation to compensate the energy needed in that work.

But today was different. With the preparations for the upcoming Halloween party, I felt motivated. I felt energized despite the very tiring activities that we did today. I felt like I am into a real team who is working on one goal: that is to deliver a very successful two-bird-one-stone halloween / book talk tomorrow. It was light working with laughter, cooperation and the relationship that took place today was basically give-and-take. No criticisms, judgments, and misunderstandings. All is well.

I also love the fact that everyone gets the chance to everyone else. And that everyone contributed and participated. Practicing for a dance was a good thing also. Aside from the "exercise", it was really a bonding experience. I hope this great end of the semester is a start of a new and big semester--as a better teacher, employee, co-volunteer, new grad student, and most importantly a family member.

Well, that is life. There are ups and downs. Accept that life is difficult and life would be a lot easier to deal with eventually.