Third Week of Oct

Dear Diary,

Bare with me for this will be a long entry.

The boss

Today, I woke up early. I actually slept late, but woke up early and basically had a not so deep sleep. I was a bit tipsy. When I woke up, the pants and shirts that I changed last night was on the floor. I was amazed, I even forgot to put it in the laundry basket. That was the effect of alcohol to me (well, at least the less consumption of it; it always keeps my mind so alert).

I got a little drank last night. Icko and I were invited to T. Arleen's parents' 37th anniversary celebration. It was a simple celebration. And I am always amazed at couples who lasts like forever.

Last night at the taxi on the way to T. Arleen's place and on the dinner table itself, I was able to open to Angelico my thoughts and feelings about his current involvement in my workplace. I was containing those thoughts to myself, except from occasionally sharing it to Anne or Maxine.

It turned out that Icko was well, the Icko that I know. He said he was not flattered by the fact that my boss has a crush or special attraction to him, and thus giving him more than the special treatment that he deserves. I may sound jealous or bitter here, but one thing for sure: my co-teachers and I do not like any of these idea. We totally disapproved and found it so unethical that our boss, late 30s recently problematic wife, is flirting with my friend, a 21-yr old most of the time immature guy. I am so sorry for being so tactless here, but these are my words about how I see this situation. And I could be wrong or overreacting sometimes.

To illustrate my point, I will cite some examples showing how my self-claimed innocent friend Icko is becoming the instrument of the epitome of inequity and probably infidelity (the latter is a bit too harsh, I know my friend is impulsive but he is not dumb) …

There were times that the boss will secretly text my friend Icko during the office hours and will invite him to buy food or DQ--which she never did before in any of us. An obvious treatment with not so hidden agenda. There were also occasions when she would deliberately distract Icko from talking to me, like texting or telling me personally to go outside and talk because the occasional conversation that I had with Angelico was distracting the people in the center. There were also times when she would tell me my mistakes in public and worst in comparison to him: "Kasi, I was observing Angelico when he was teaching my kids and he was like this and like that.." And many more, irritating occasions.

Ok, enough about the rants in the workplace. Well, there were good turns of events. I was able to speak to Icko. Based on my better judgment, Icko and I still have that bond, bond as friends that my flirty boss can't break---as of the moment, and I hope not. Icko made clear his intentions and none of these is to be involved in something that he knows will ruin his life. Not that I'm telling that having a friendly relationship with my boss will ruin one's life. Yes, I don't like her for being not a leader and a professional. Although I am guilty of professionalism too because of my tardiness--but that is another issue that I should really face on. Contradictory, my boss is considerate. Remove the moodiness and problematic disposition, she is completely harmless and a good employer--although not so good in terms of positive growth and appraisal.

Well, my bitterness and dislike to my boss isn't that obvious right? :P

TEST

Wednesday of wee hours, my mother, father, brother and I were in the hospital. We brought my mother to the hospital because she had seizures.  She had that attack again. She had this tendency to be so sensitive on small matters and be so hurt in simple conflicts. How am I telling this. Because, after that incident, my father told me that I was the one responsible for it. But I did not do anything except that I expressed my dislike about the idea of them being so dependent… believe me, it wasn't a long and heartbreaking discussion. It's just a simple message of please-bare-with-me.

Spending the night and half of the day in the hospital was a bad idea. Yeah, I had the small talks with my father and my lil brother but that's the good thing about it. Oh and one more, because I was able to check FB while in the hospital through my phone, I was happy because I got to reconnect again with one of my favorite persons: my adviser. He was there again, not physically and not totally aware of his impact on that situation, but he was one of the few who distracted me from the big challenge I was facing then. Yes, we were talking about the typical research and MA stuffs but it is good to know that he still cares...

Sleepless night, discomfort, and the financial cost are not so good combinations for a family bonding. But, once again stuffs like this should be part of life to remind us what should our priorities be.

Saying goodbye.

I hate goodbyes and farewells. As much as possible, I don't want to say goodbye. But I had to. We had to. On the same day that my mother was brought to the hospital I learned that one of my previous ANI friend just passed away due to Pneumonia. We were not that close but he was a good friend to me and to everyone else. He may always tease but that who he was and he never meant to hurt. It saddened me that I wont be able to see one long lost friend again…ever…

Other than that, another friend of mine lost her mother.

With all these, it's obvious how life really is. Nothing is permanent. We will never know who will stay for a long time and who will say goodbye soon. We can never be certain about that. But sure we can be certain that time is gold and precious time is limited and can not be wasted. And all the things that we do and say matters to the people we interact and most especially to the people we most care about.

Again, I hate to say goodbye. But this is part of life, And one of the many other goodbyes that life had provided me is the temporary goodbye to some of my current students--tutees actually. I treat them as my kids. I care for their academic but more so of their welfare. They have to leave the tutorials for some reasons but I hope that when they grow up, they'll be great men and leaders. I also hope that my positive impacts t to them remain even if they forget my name .

The seeker of motivation

Four hours of travel, back and forth. Eight to more than 8 hrs of work. That quiet need a strong motivation to continue. Pay isn't enough and for me, although it matters especially with the upcoming big expenses, money can never buy my motivation to do better.

The past month has been a rough month especially at work. Almost everyone in the working environment has shits that need to be attended. People get distracted once in a while. And I am one of the distracted ones, so as my boss. In the past month, I only have 5, more or less of on-time reporting. Yeah, my time  orientation really sucks. But, for me, it is not just a matter of time. It is more a discussion of my motivation. How do I say that? Aside from the weekday regular work, I am also spending weekends facilitating workshops and volunteering… and mind you, in those times, I am more or less on-time. The point is, to the things that I believe in, I make effort to deliver my best. I am never a pretender. So I won't pretend that I like being on something if I really don't. Similarly, with the transparency that I have as a person, it will most of the time reflect in my outlook weather I like someone or not.

In my volunteer works, I found ministries. I found myself being a better and growing person in those volunteer endeavors; although there are times when I also question what keeps me on sticking to those commitments and responsibilities. Whenever I ask that question, I always arrive with the same answer (although I forget the answer sometimes): I COMMIT MYSELF TO THAT BECAUSE I BELIEVE ON WHAT IT BELIEVES IN. I wanted to be part of the implementer of their mission and vision.

However, when it comes to my current work, I am suffering a great difficulty finding the rightful motivation to compensate the energy needed in that work.

But today was different. With the preparations for the upcoming Halloween party, I felt motivated. I felt energized despite the very tiring activities that we did today. I felt like I am into a real team who is working on one goal: that is to deliver a very successful two-bird-one-stone halloween / book talk tomorrow. It was light working with laughter, cooperation and the relationship that took place today was basically give-and-take. No criticisms, judgments, and misunderstandings. All is well.

I also love the fact that everyone gets the chance to everyone else. And that everyone contributed and participated. Practicing for a dance was a good thing also. Aside from the "exercise", it was really a bonding experience. I hope this great end of the semester is a start of a new and big semester--as a better teacher, employee, co-volunteer, new grad student, and most importantly a family member.

Well, that is life. There are ups and downs. Accept that life is difficult and life would be a lot easier to deal with eventually. 

Journeying in different routes Friday

October 28, 2011

I remember in one of the many trips to work, the FX I rode took a very roadless different path. This was due to the heavy traffic occurring by then on major roads. The road was rough, and a bit dark. It was also muddy, and woods surrounded the path. It was a longer path, I should say but during that time, it was the quicker way. Some of the passengers like me didn't contain the anxiety building within. We asked where were we and where were we heading. It was like being blindly directed to somewhere.

Just today, my friend and I who are enrolling for the 2nd sem of MA Counseling, took the validation exam. The idea of it brings discomfort already, but the ugly truth is worse. We found that we were the only ones who would take the exam. The question is WHY? As far as we are concern, our grades are above average. Are there some kind of discrimination? Is coming from a college just beside the school that we are applying for instead of a University causes discrimination? Or is there really something in us that the department chair saw to be questionable enough to give us a validation exam? The answer? We don't know. Just like the answer that one of our mentors gave us, "ewan". He is really good to try to give us comfort saying that there probably is a discrimination but honest enough to tell us that he really don't know. Nevertheless, I like what he gave us in the end: get good grades and show the department that intelligence is not exclusive to some elite groups. 

I think by good grades, he means more. Or I would like to think that having a goal of getting good grades is not the only mean to a good end. Perhaps it could be a jump start to a real career path  in the future. Or maybe taking MA means becoming a better and more matured person; someone who can handle the different "pressures" and responsibilities of a graduate student, colleague, a working person, and most importantly a daughter and sibling to a family.

That was one of the many ironies here. I did not felt joy when  I told my parents about my plan. Their concern was money. They were asking how will I support my studies? Unlike college, this time I am studying on my own--no scholarships or financial assistance from anyone, not even from my parents. And I would do that for at least four more years (that is for MA alone; I read from the e-book that Mr. A sent me that the mean year of finishing a PHD level is 6 years, range: 5 to 7 yrs. So if MA would last at ave. is 3 yrs and PhD is 6 yrs, I should prepare at least more  9 years for studying!). I saw the concern in my parents' face. They were concerned that by supporting myself first, I am becoming a selfish person. Sometimes that thought alone made me feel like I am horrible person. By attending to my needs first, I might forget my responsibilities of "supporting" financially the family needs (well, some of it) or the "plan" of supporting my other siblings' studies. Well, yeah. The typical story of a marginalized family with one daughter thorn between family responsibilities (support family NOW: short-term)  and achieving dreams (long-term).

Becoming a Psychologist is like the end goal, but not really the end. It is like the destination in a travel, but doesn't really mean that journeying stops there. Like that extraordinary travel in the roadless woody travel, entering MA graduate studies has been a little bit of an extraordinary entrance. First, my friend Maxine and I first planned to enroll for the first semester but unfortunately, circumstances did not allow that. So the application was granted for the second semester only. Second, the entrance was not that smooth, or should I say has been more difficult for us. After the typical entrance test and the departmental interview, there was a  validation test for the two of us, exclusively. So what was that? Are we the only ones who applied for the second semester who were dumb or let's put this way--not so qualified? And why do we need to review again for a month the five-month-four-hours course that we already took before? Gratefully, we passed the exam. Third, I am entering this new commitment on my own--no financial assistance. But I guess, the lack of financial assistance and little bit of moral support from family has been compensated by the supports coming from friends, mentors, and co-workers.

However, honestly, the reactions that I get from people comprised of moderate happiness and some questions of "are you sure?". Friends, I have never been sure of a decision before than now. I know that this is what I want. I know that this step is necessary to achieve my long term goal.

So how do I feel? I am really excited. I know that studying will be just studying; although it would be a different level now, with higher level of demands and difficulty, it is still studying. And studying is a journey that is meant to be enjoyed for no matter how promising the destination is, the whole journey would not matter and would be dead boring if not enjoyed. In short, I hope the excitement turned enjoyment will keep the fire of studying always burning… Studying is never easy, not even if you put your heart into it. But that what makes this journey colorful, not just black and white. The more challenge there is, the better the sharpening goes.

Grad school is about meeting new people, discovering new places, learning new stuffs about the world and the self and I mean to experience all of it while I am on this stage. Like a sponge, I want to soak myself into the experience of learning while my feet are already stepping into the outside world. Joggling responsibilities and roles would never be easy, but that is the fun of it. My world is never meant to be dull.  I knew that when I committed myself to this journey, I am not being blindly directed to somewhere; I know my destination and I  am aware of the kind of "road" that I'll be taking. Moreover, I don't feel the need to take a short-cut. I have the time of my life. Take one step at a time.

Challenge, fun, learning, discovery---let's see what else has this new stage prepared for us. =)

motivation seeker

Four hours of travel, back and forth. Eight to more than 8 hrs of work. That quiet need a strong motivation to continue. Pay isn't enough and for me, although it matters especially with the upcoming big expenses, money can never buy my motivation to do better.

The past month have been a rough month especially at work. Almost everyone in the working environment have shits that need to be attended. People get distracted once in a while. And I am one of the distracted ones, so as my boss. In the past month, I only have 5, more or less of on-time reporting. Yeah, my time  orientation really sucks. But, for me, it is not just a matter of time. It is more a discussion of my motivation. How do I say that? Aside from the weekday regular work, I am also spending weekends facilitating workshops and volunteering… and mind you, in those times, I am more or less on-time. The point is, to the things that I believe in, I make effort to deliver my best. I am never a pretender. So I won't pretend that I like being on something if I really don't. Similarly, with the transparency that I have as a person, it will most of the time reflect in my outlook weather I like someone or not.

In my volunteer works, I found ministries. I found myself being a better and growing person in those volunteer endeavors; although there are times when I also question what keeps me on sticking to those commitments and responsibilities. Whenever I ask that question, I always arrive with the same answer (although I forget the answer sometimes): I COMMIT MYSELF TO THAT BECAUSE I BELIEVE ON WHAT IT BELIEVES IN. I wanted to be part of the implementer of their mission and vision.

However, when it comes to my current work, I am suffering a great difficulty finding the rightful motivation to compensate the energy needed in that work.

But today was different. With the preparations for the upcoming Halloween party, I felt motivated. I felt energized despite the very tiring activities that we did today. I felt like I am into a real team who is working on one goal: that is to deliver a very successful two-bird-one-stone halloween / book talk tomorrow. It was light working with laughter, cooperation and the relationship that took place today was basically give-and-take. No criticisms, judgments, and misunderstandings. All is well.

I also love the fact that everyone gets the chance to everyone else. And that everyone contributed and participated. Practicing for a dance was a good thing also. Aside from the "exercise", it was really a bonding experience. I hope this great end of the semester is a start of a new and big semester--as a better teacher, employee, co-volunteer, new grad student, and most importantly a family member.Four hours of travel, back and forth. Eight to more than 8 hrs of work. That quiet need a strong motivation to continue. Pay isn't enough and for me, although it matters especially with the upcoming big expenses, money can never buy my motivation to do better.

The past month have been a rough month especially at work. Almost everyone in the working environment have shits that need to be attended. People get distracted once in a while. And I am one of the distracted ones, so as my boss. In the past month, I only have 5, more or less of on-time reporting. Yeah, my time  orientation really sucks. But, for me, it is not just a matter of time. It is more a discussion of my motivation. How do I say that? Aside from the weekday regular work, I am also spending weekends facilitating workshops and volunteering… and mind you, in those times, I am more or less on-time. The point is, to the things that I believe in, I make effort to deliver my best. I am never a pretender. So I won't pretend that I like being on something if I really don't. Similarly, with the transparency that I have as a person, it will most of the time reflect in my outlook weather I like someone or not.

In my volunteer works, I found ministries. I found myself being a better and growing person in those volunteer endeavors; although there are times when I also question what keeps me on sticking to those commitments and responsibilities. Whenever I ask that question, I always arrive with the same answer (although I forget the answer sometimes): I COMMIT MYSELF TO THAT BECAUSE I BELIEVE ON WHAT IT BELIEVES IN. I wanted to be part of the implementer of their mission and vision.

However, when it comes to my current work, I am suffering a great difficulty finding the rightful motivation to compensate the energy needed in that work.

But today was different. With the preparations for the upcoming Halloween party, I felt motivated. I felt energized despite the very tiring activities that we did today. I felt like I am into a real team who is working on one goal: that is to deliver a very successful two-bird-one-stone halloween / book talk tomorrow. It was light working with laughter, cooperation and the relationship that took place today was basically give-and-take. No criticisms, judgments, and misunderstandings. All is well.

I also love the fact that everyone gets the chance to everyone else. And that everyone contributed and participated. Practicing for a dance was a good thing also. Aside from the "exercise", it was really a bonding experience. I hope this great end of the semester is a start of a new and big semester--as a better teacher, employee, co-volunteer, new grad student, and most importantly a family member.

New Addiction

I am a fan of arts. and for me, acting is one of it. One of the many reasons why despite the many deadlines and stuffs to do, i still manage to find time watching either movie/s or TV series. =)

And my latest addiction is: VAMPIRE DIARIES.

I read the book, and i loved it! and now, i am crazy about the new Season 3 of this TV series. It's fiction and full of mystery and fantasy but there is something on it that is always close to reality: LOVE =)

I also love the actors, not to mention Ian Somerhalder =)

spell love: L-O-V-E

I guess, I am not really over it. I won't get over because I never started any..anything about getting a life. By that I mean, getting life and finding love. I always wanted, always dreamt, always wished, always thought I've acted to get that…but I actually never did.

I thought I am living my life. I always say that I am living and not merely existing.. But hell no. For the past 21 years and almost seven months of my life, I  live just to exist. You know, use my mind, logic to adapt on the so-called life, work things out, solve... Logic doesn't always explain everything. Sometimes, there are things that happen without any reason at all.. Or without reasons that  are completely comprehensible by the human mind but can be felt by our heart. I don't need to look for it. I don't need to always feel that I am single looking for someone who will make me feel like am a part of a whole and once I found him, ill be whole…again.. Ney, that's not it. The thing is I have to live my life! Yes, everyone has a life no matter what it is. Everyone has a life…and love is the process to live that life.

Sometimes it happens. Sometimes it doesn't. Sometimes, you think that you need to wait. But hell, you don't. Waiting is not what it is all about. It is about stopping, you decide for how long… stopping for all the busyness that eats one's chance to live a life---to a balanced life. But it should not end on stopping. STOP. BREATH. WEAR A GENUINE SMILE and WALK THROUGH LIFE. That's when the ball start bouncing and life goes on… It's up to you if you are gonna shoot the ball and score or pass it and let the chance slip…hoping to get a rebound if ever. Ironically, time won't stop when we stop. But we have our own phasing, doesn't mean that time keeps running, we too will keep running. We're not time. That's why we need sleep, food, break… But there is something else that needs to accompany time for us not just to keep moving, but to stay living… tis love.

Sometimes, it happens in the most unexpected, incomprehensible manner…the only thing that matters is that it happens. It is what matters. The fact that it happens and that it is being part of how one is living his/her life.

Sometimes, one will think that he/she is not good enough to deserve a real love… but love is not about technical competencies. It is not about what you do, how much you know, how many skills you can apply… it is about having ample time to spend for that significant other.. It is about listening to how you feel and stop being logical for a moment or so… love is not just a word. It is a complex emotions which make us complex human beings. Love, like our heart, is what keeps us alive. We can have brain damage, we can be brain dead, we can be crazy, mentally ill or so… yet we can still breath… because we have our heart… we have love.

Sometimes, you find it [romantic love] early. Early for one's age. Sometimes, you find it a bit late… But what matters is you found it, still the same. Specially if…once the moment you found it, you feel how to keep and treasure it onto your life.

Some are meant for a happy ending.. Meeting their prince charming, putting their glass shoes back and closing the vows with a sweet kiss. Some others, in contrary, found it and cherished the moment  when they had it…and decided that it's not for them. Well, that's fine… as long as one knows why at first he/she made that decision.

I know. These are all random thoughts. But, won't lie anymore. I think I feel love. NO! It wasn't thinking. I was over about thinking that I am feeling. I mean, I love someone. To be this crazy. To keep thinking about him literally everyday. To get affected with a snap out of those short or long or sensible or nonsense stuffs he said or do, even if it means absolutely nothing…Maybe..maybe, it started with a simple crush…a simple admiration.. But I suck myself by making a pathetic love story all inside my head. I practically created a fantasy that thinking is feeling…fantasies are good but it should not mess up your realities.

Don't get me wrong. I believe in love. I actually loved that man. Yes. In the past tense. BUT I still love him, though. It's just not the way I used to get crazy about him. I am over about that love that was fueled by my thinking side… However, I am not yet over being in love. There's no specific man or no one at all at the moment. The only present is the promise that once I begin living a life---a real life, if you know what I mean (not being toooo workaholic, tooo future oriented, and too fanatic of the past, real pathetic past)---then IT will come naturally. Love. Yes, it will come naturally, spontaneously. Not planned. Not set-up. Natural. Because it is a human tendency to love and fall in love, to get hurt, feel pain, pleasure, learn, live and love…LIVE and LOVE… lIve and lOve. Stop thinking about the "I". Start feeling that the world is rOund. And that love is just around. Remember it's a cycle and not just a line segment with a start and an end. It is liberating. LIVE and LOVE.

20 years from now, I will look and reexamine again this blog. To see if I REALLY LIVE MY LIFE. I must do that. If I find out that I am not living my life even up to that age… I guess I have to start again. Like starting today that I am 21 years old…except that by that time, it would be double my age…And it would be an ugly truth that is... that I've messed the past 20 years of my life.

OK. Enough about thinking too much and being too futuristic…I said.

Jesus visits me in my dream

It was a dream that despite the fact that weeks have passed already, it is still vivid to me:

I am in a jeepney, a public utility vehicle in the Philippines; a common means of transportation. I don't know where I am heading that time…Maybe South (Time Paradox: "going South").

In the jeepney, passengers are present; but I can only recognize two people: Ate Alma and Sr. Edith

Ate Alma is my co-volunteer in 'Skwelahang Sikolohiya. She was the previous VP and now the Pres in that organization. I like her but recently, I experienced dislike to her because I felt she is too bossy and inconsiderate. I also felt that she is not acting a leader to us.

My Theology Teacher when I was in second year college: Sr. Edith Ontiveros. She gave me a small gift --glass image of Jesus. It was days after the course with her was done. She has the same birthday with mine.

In that dream, it's like that my Theo teacher is giving us (me and ate alma) our "salaries" or compensation. Sr. Edith also gave additional compensation to both of us. But when it was my turn to receive the additional compensation, the driver of the vehicle turned around and spoke to me:

"Don't accept that, Aylin. (I was struck! The one speaking to me was Jesus! Then He spoke to Sister) Edith, you don’t need to give it o her. She knows that she won't be needing the extra pay."

Then, I woke up.

Thanks God for reminding me how should I live and for guiding me in surviving the current storms into my life: my commitments and responsibilities.