spell love: L-O-V-E

I guess, I am not really over it. I won't get over because I never started any..anything about getting a life. By that I mean, getting life and finding love. I always wanted, always dreamt, always wished, always thought I've acted to get that…but I actually never did.

I thought I am living my life. I always say that I am living and not merely existing.. But hell no. For the past 21 years and almost seven months of my life, I  live just to exist. You know, use my mind, logic to adapt on the so-called life, work things out, solve... Logic doesn't always explain everything. Sometimes, there are things that happen without any reason at all.. Or without reasons that  are completely comprehensible by the human mind but can be felt by our heart. I don't need to look for it. I don't need to always feel that I am single looking for someone who will make me feel like am a part of a whole and once I found him, ill be whole…again.. Ney, that's not it. The thing is I have to live my life! Yes, everyone has a life no matter what it is. Everyone has a life…and love is the process to live that life.

Sometimes it happens. Sometimes it doesn't. Sometimes, you think that you need to wait. But hell, you don't. Waiting is not what it is all about. It is about stopping, you decide for how long… stopping for all the busyness that eats one's chance to live a life---to a balanced life. But it should not end on stopping. STOP. BREATH. WEAR A GENUINE SMILE and WALK THROUGH LIFE. That's when the ball start bouncing and life goes on… It's up to you if you are gonna shoot the ball and score or pass it and let the chance slip…hoping to get a rebound if ever. Ironically, time won't stop when we stop. But we have our own phasing, doesn't mean that time keeps running, we too will keep running. We're not time. That's why we need sleep, food, break… But there is something else that needs to accompany time for us not just to keep moving, but to stay living… tis love.

Sometimes, it happens in the most unexpected, incomprehensible manner…the only thing that matters is that it happens. It is what matters. The fact that it happens and that it is being part of how one is living his/her life.

Sometimes, one will think that he/she is not good enough to deserve a real love… but love is not about technical competencies. It is not about what you do, how much you know, how many skills you can apply… it is about having ample time to spend for that significant other.. It is about listening to how you feel and stop being logical for a moment or so… love is not just a word. It is a complex emotions which make us complex human beings. Love, like our heart, is what keeps us alive. We can have brain damage, we can be brain dead, we can be crazy, mentally ill or so… yet we can still breath… because we have our heart… we have love.

Sometimes, you find it [romantic love] early. Early for one's age. Sometimes, you find it a bit late… But what matters is you found it, still the same. Specially if…once the moment you found it, you feel how to keep and treasure it onto your life.

Some are meant for a happy ending.. Meeting their prince charming, putting their glass shoes back and closing the vows with a sweet kiss. Some others, in contrary, found it and cherished the moment  when they had it…and decided that it's not for them. Well, that's fine… as long as one knows why at first he/she made that decision.

I know. These are all random thoughts. But, won't lie anymore. I think I feel love. NO! It wasn't thinking. I was over about thinking that I am feeling. I mean, I love someone. To be this crazy. To keep thinking about him literally everyday. To get affected with a snap out of those short or long or sensible or nonsense stuffs he said or do, even if it means absolutely nothing…Maybe..maybe, it started with a simple crush…a simple admiration.. But I suck myself by making a pathetic love story all inside my head. I practically created a fantasy that thinking is feeling…fantasies are good but it should not mess up your realities.

Don't get me wrong. I believe in love. I actually loved that man. Yes. In the past tense. BUT I still love him, though. It's just not the way I used to get crazy about him. I am over about that love that was fueled by my thinking side… However, I am not yet over being in love. There's no specific man or no one at all at the moment. The only present is the promise that once I begin living a life---a real life, if you know what I mean (not being toooo workaholic, tooo future oriented, and too fanatic of the past, real pathetic past)---then IT will come naturally. Love. Yes, it will come naturally, spontaneously. Not planned. Not set-up. Natural. Because it is a human tendency to love and fall in love, to get hurt, feel pain, pleasure, learn, live and love…LIVE and LOVE… lIve and lOve. Stop thinking about the "I". Start feeling that the world is rOund. And that love is just around. Remember it's a cycle and not just a line segment with a start and an end. It is liberating. LIVE and LOVE.

20 years from now, I will look and reexamine again this blog. To see if I REALLY LIVE MY LIFE. I must do that. If I find out that I am not living my life even up to that age… I guess I have to start again. Like starting today that I am 21 years old…except that by that time, it would be double my age…And it would be an ugly truth that is... that I've messed the past 20 years of my life.

OK. Enough about thinking too much and being too futuristic…I said.

Jesus visits me in my dream

It was a dream that despite the fact that weeks have passed already, it is still vivid to me:

I am in a jeepney, a public utility vehicle in the Philippines; a common means of transportation. I don't know where I am heading that time…Maybe South (Time Paradox: "going South").

In the jeepney, passengers are present; but I can only recognize two people: Ate Alma and Sr. Edith

Ate Alma is my co-volunteer in 'Skwelahang Sikolohiya. She was the previous VP and now the Pres in that organization. I like her but recently, I experienced dislike to her because I felt she is too bossy and inconsiderate. I also felt that she is not acting a leader to us.

My Theology Teacher when I was in second year college: Sr. Edith Ontiveros. She gave me a small gift --glass image of Jesus. It was days after the course with her was done. She has the same birthday with mine.

In that dream, it's like that my Theo teacher is giving us (me and ate alma) our "salaries" or compensation. Sr. Edith also gave additional compensation to both of us. But when it was my turn to receive the additional compensation, the driver of the vehicle turned around and spoke to me:

"Don't accept that, Aylin. (I was struck! The one speaking to me was Jesus! Then He spoke to Sister) Edith, you don’t need to give it o her. She knows that she won't be needing the extra pay."

Then, I woke up.

Thanks God for reminding me how should I live and for guiding me in surviving the current storms into my life: my commitments and responsibilities.

Relationship rule

An excerpt from The 100/0 Principle by Al Ritter

What is the most effective way to create and sustain great relationships with others? It's The 100/0 Principle: You take full responsibility (the 100) for the relationship, expecting nothing (the 0) in return. Implementing The 100/0 Principle is not natural for most of us. It takes real commitment to the relationship and a good dose of self-discipline to think, act and give 100 percent. The 100/0 Principle applies to those people in your life where the relationships are too important to react automatically or judgmentally. Each of us must determine the relationships to which this principle should apply. For most of us, it applies to work associates, customers, suppliers, family and friends.

• STEP 1 - Determine what you can do to make the relationship work...then do it. Demonstrate respect and kindness to the other person, whether he/she deserves it or not. • STEP 2 - Do not expect anything in return. Zero, zip, nada. • STEP 3 - Do not allow anything the other person says or does (no matter how annoying!) to affect you. In other words, don't take the bait. • STEP 4 - Be persistent with your graciousness and kindness. Often we give up too soon, especially when others don't respond in kind. Remember to expect nothing in return.

At times (usually few), the relationship can remain challenging, even toxic, despite your 100 percent commitment and self-discipline. When this occurs, you need to avoid being the "Knower" and shift to being the "Learner." Avoid Knower statements/ thoughts like "that won't work," "I'm right, you are wrong," "I know it and you don't," "I'll teach you," "that's just the way it is," "I need to tell you what I know," etc. Instead use Learner statements/thoughts like "Let me find out what is going on and try to understand the situation," "I could be wrong," "I wonder if there is anything of value here," "I wonder if..." etc. In other words, as a Learner, be curious! Principle Paradox This may strike you as strange, but here's the paradox: When you take authentic responsibility for a relationship, more often than not the other person quickly chooses to take responsibility as well. Consequently, the 100/0 relationship quickly transforms into something approaching 100/100. When that occurs, true breakthroughs happen for the individuals involved, their teams, their organizations and their families. From: Simple Truth

I want to spend the last days of my life with these folks.

I believe that in this life, there are few essential people:

FAMILY: Many of us probably have been blessed with a family. Some complete, some not. And unfortunately some may not have the “biological” family; but still belongs to and have something that is called a family. It’s the home we used to be with and go back to when we’re losing the right track. We may have different stance towards our family, but one thing is for sure, our family is part of who we were, who we are, and who we are becoming. The first people who show love to us is our family… a mother who gives unconditional affection, compassion, and care; a father who stands beside us whatever happens; a brother who protects us with all means; a sister who shares our dreams, wishes…

My family is not perfect. Attitudes of people in our family might not be that acceptable for some sometimes. Problems arise almost all the time, but the thing is, we face (and I mean it literally) these either big or small problems altogether. There are lots of misunderstandings too, especially lately; but thank God there are still chances to iron things out. I love my family no matter what… and yes, there might be times when they are not my priority but they are the most important people for me.

FRIENDS: We can have all kinds of friends; but we can’t be friend with everyone in the deepest sense of friendship. It’s a question of quantity vs quality. We may either choose to have many many ‘friends’ and don’t share our deep selves to each of them and they won’t share either. Or we can establish great great deep friendships with few that will last for who knows, maybe more than a lifetime. I think the best number of quality friendship is two or three. If it’s more than that, I think the quality of “great” friendship would suffer. Imagine, how can one manage a conversation in phone with 5 people, or 10 or more, especially if all have equally important things to share in only a limited hour? And when I say conversation, it should be 50-50—fifty percent listening and fifty percent talking... no more no less. Most relationships work and get stronger in the 50-50 set-up. In that manner, each individual in the so called relationship shares sufficient part of him/herself to the other (or two) persons. We usually share the things that we don’t normally share to our family, to co-workers, or classmates, or neighbors. 

Trust and common interests bind us and our friends together. We would stick together in good and bad times. Possible conflict is solvable because one way or another, we will try to go out of our usual way in order to fix the conflict and salvage the priceless friendships. Like a family, no time difference or distance will absolutely separate a friend from his/her real friends; only when the trust is lost and when passion/interests collides then a huger conflict becomes detrimental to years of deep friendships.

I am blessed to have few but real friends.

LOVER: They say that when you meet this person, everything is in slow motion... and seems like the wind is humming a lovely song that you and you lover only hear. Even if that stage of life—sharing love with another individual in a manner not same as the love for family, love for a friend, love for the people you care, love for countrymen, and co-human being…in other words, the kind of love that is exceptionally exclusive for another individual. Yes, I am sure of it… that kind of love has not yet come into my life. But when that time comes, I will make sure that I will appreciate all the love, patience, and care that that other person will give me… For time is precious, I think I can’t stand wasting it for ignoring a special love coming from a special someone.

MENTORS: Guides, advisers, teachers, big brother, big sister, godmother, godfather, parents, friends…whatever we call them, they are there for an extraordinary purpose. Our mentors are there when we need guidance. Not an ordinary guidance, but an exceptional guidance in life, generally speaking. They are sources of prodigious wisdom which gives us ample preparation for the battle in this journey of life. I am blessed, once again to have not only family and friends but also great great mentors.

I can say that I am who I am today and I am becoming who I want to be because these family, friends, soon-to-lover (:P) and mentors are there to support and journey with me. They are the essential people of my life. But that doesn’t end the list.

he strangers I interact with and acquaintances I have also matter to me as a person. The kids/people I teach everyday, or the complete stranger I sat next to in a jeep matter to me because their presence indicate that I am here not just to exist but to live.

If I’d have one last day/hour/minute on earth, I will spend it with these people from which I saw the magnificent works of God.

NEW LIFE AGENDA

I can no longer stand the negative feeling i have towards the repetition of works i am doing... so now, even if it seems like moving mountains, I am doing what i love to do without requiring so much effort of getting me motivated: research.

I don't like repeating to watch a movie except for some exceptional cases such as: three idiots

I don't like reading books over and over again, except for: Time Paradox..

Today, I have new life agendas:

1. LEARN SOMETHING NEW AT LEAST EVERY WEEK

 week 1 (Aug 26 to Sept 9) - Learn to do Photoshop!

2. DO SOMETHING GOOD FOR SOMEONE EVERY SINGLE DAY

3. EXPRESS LOVE THROUGH PASSION

 - i heard from a friend that he recently read a book about an extraordinary love. a chinese woman who wasn't able to marry the man of his life expresses her love through the food she cooks for her sister and her sister's husband (the man he truly loves). The man feels how much the chinese woman loves him... but they can't do anything (how come is that?) because that Youngest Chinese woman in the family is "destined" to serve their family. :(

-OK, my point is... there are many barriers but there are still the most impossible ways to show love---don't let that chance to pass; my way--> research

as Steve Jobs of Mac puts it: "I am convinced that the only thing that kept me going was that i loved what i did. you've got to find what you love. and that is true for work, as it is for your lovers." "

A 'balanced' life or a 'busy-can't-really-choose-which' life?

The PAST Weekend:

- Saturday: I had a ME day! I watched movies that gave me simple pleasures...some with my siblings.. some on my own :D Then I just slept and ate all i want. although i skipped breakfast :P

ME DAY-Aug 20

- Sunday: I treated my family, yes all of them except my father who went somewhere else  and my sister, Iren who was busy in school (because of her thesis). We had simple pleasure too...but can be considered costly already. We bought some stuffs, eat together... Also, i had my hair made with my sister. I had a rebond while she had her hair cut.

FAMILY DAY - Aug 21

COMING...

Aug 27, SAT

AM - Education - MA exam

PM afternoon- Volunteer work meeting (Pathways)

PM night- Galileo teachers' bonding

Aug 28 sun

PVOLT friends bonding. EK! (sana di na 'to drawing) I really miss these folks...

NEXT NEXT

Sept 3

AM - Spontaneous time --work, research or some other ME time  :))

PM - Work major event

Sept 4

AM - Volunteer Work SS GA

PM - sister's and mother's Birthday party :)

well, let's see

Where are the essentials?

10:30PM

August 10, 2011

Wednesday

I feel lost.

WORK VS WORK

It was past 9pm and I just arrived “home” from work. Unlike in the previous months, I’ve no time to set dinner with friends because my dinner is always fast-break between the regular working hours and the side working hours. I am into the stage of contemplating the reason / motivation behind this. Is it a delaying gratification act wherein the extra money that I will be earning is an investment for my future plans (e.g., MA)? Or is it a selfish hedonistic act that is slowly transforming me into a money hunter person? With those questions raised, I think the answer is now getting clearer… my eyebrows are raised to the highest possible as an act of disapproval to the latter.

These past few days, which actually is already running for a month, I’ve been working ~10 hours per day. This working hours is different from the extra hours I spent in doing works at home (i.e., volunteer works, preparing teaching materials). So believe it or not, there are times when I am working 10-12 hours per day. This is why, my patience and compassion for my students are being challenged—that I regret a lot. With those things being at stake, my performance and my goal of teaching for the sake of teaching and influencing the youth and the future are also at stake. That breaks my heart.

It was my choice. Working late was my choice. (I believe that we all have a choice) Like the choice I made when I worked for preschool and Galileo at the same time. If you’ll ask me now, I would rather choose my previous situation (working on a half-day basis for two different employers), than working full time for Galileo and having part time outside it—but basically doing the same stuffs. If you probably know me, you’d guess the reason why I chose the half-day, half-day set-up. It is because, in that set-up, I can have variety and feel more efficient. Know that feeling when you get tired yet the fatigue feels like it’s worth it? And with the former set-up, as I said, I have variety: I can teach creatively in a mainstream set-up and still learn how to address individual students’ case through Galileo.

I hate doing the same thing over and over again without breaks from doing it. What I mean is, I can repeat things but I can’t do it over and over again in the longest time possible. That’s why I did not choose the corporate world; for the same reason that the corporate world is the act of “mastering” simple to complex tasks, with littlest variety possible (I’m sorry for friends in the corporate setting; I may have lack knowledge about your set-up and what expressed here are just opinions). And I think, with the kind of personality I have and the way of thinking I possess, doing the same thing all over again would simply not work for me—unless, I have a special task aside from the regular tasks in the corporate world…

I am a multi-tasker. It is difficult for someone like me to settle working for one thing for a long time. Whenever possible, I try to maximize time and do possible two or more things together. Probably, that lessens the quality of my productivity but I get bored doing one stuff at a time---oh, a problem is now arising. Why is that? I feel like I have the need to always divide my attention and time to almost everything. One of my students blurted out to me, “teacher, you’re not paying attention to me… only to them.” But the truth is, I first paid attention to him, then I paid attention to the others… That’s my life every single day, except for Sundays. I don’t need to address a class, because I am not handling a class. I am addressing individuals. What is this—an indirect ground training to being a Psychologist and clinician in the future?

This is the current aspect of my life which technically speaking falls into the category of work…but for me, personally, it doesn’t fall into that category.

Here comes the idealistic thinking again!

For me, work is not only about earning money; not even spending time accomplishing some things assigned or initiated. For me, work is a product of commitment, passion and integrity and money is just a bonus for that. The real reward for work is the difference you make into the lives of people being directly and indirectly affected by the work that you exert. Probably tangible reward; but really is very difficult to measure.

So what is my current work? Volunteer work and research.

The masochistic tendency again—i exert more efforts in doing volunteer works than in doing my work.  Ironically, I do not get paid in doing my volunteer works. Yes, I am not being compensated with money. But my volunteer works make me feel more compensated than getting paid with money. I am happier working with people whom I interacted with in those volunteer endeavors. I am more challenged there which fuels up my enthusiasm to exert more effort and be more creative. I also learn more and for me, those little learning are simple steps to growth and greater self-discovery. I can see the long term effect of what I am doing.

Actually, I had these days of so called volunteer-work-addict mode. Ideas for volunteer organizations marketing and income generation, as well as research stuffs just puffed out of mind. And hours later, I was working towards realizing those ideas (contacting people, sending texts and emails, writing proposals, etc.) One of the people I emailed responded with this comment:

“wow, seems like you’re very busy again….”

In contrary, I am becoming more convinced that I am just helping the money-driven persons to be more money-driven and the brat kids be more dependent and lazy persons as I implement my current work. I feel being ineffective, too, coming later (in minutes and in frequency) than usual. I’ve noticed that I managed to get up early on a Sunday for a volunteer work than on a regular day for my work—why?

I think, one thing is evident, the values and mission in my current work are not in line with my personal values and mission in life. Sad realization.

And people will say, “love your work?” How? How---when I can see my co-workers do their work not because they love or believe on it but because they can see profit on it (at least most of the time..)How—when there are times that you wish not to be working with those people at your work? How—when I can see that I am not at my best whenever I try to implement my work there?

I think, there is a reason why my boss expressed this thing: “I worry for her (me when I am already taking my MA)..” My boss worries that my energy, attention and motivation will be more divided than ever… and worry more that my “work” with them will be my least priority… I hope not, because I am staying at least for the coming year. And in that hope, I hope new worthy motivation came in the way…

I know that moving out would entail being into the painful agonizing jobsearch and wait again. But I’ll take that challenge, rather than stay in a place where everything feels like inappropriate.

I LIKE MY WORK. But deep in me, I know I can be better off somewhere else. 

HOME VS HOME

Where do you go after work? Home.

But where is home? I had this confusion in my heart but the realization just came up my head now. Now, after I’ve experienced going back and forth to the street towards my Aunt’s place. I was contemplating if I’d go to Montalban or go straight to my aunt’s place. On my way home, I planned to go to Montalban, but I felt too tired so I decided to go instead to my aunt’s place. But when I get off my co-teacher’s car and started walking towards my aunt’s place, I felt scared. People were running and wearing panic faces. I heard people saying that there were gun shots happening at the exact street where my aunt’s place is. Then, a police car came. Two armed men came out. I walked slowly…then I turned back… for a fleeting moment, I decided to go straight to Montalban (the place where my family is)..but I went back again (towards my aunt’s house)…towards where the commotion was. Yes, I am really that kind of a person who really likes risking, huh? When I arrived at my aunt’s place, my cousins and uncle were there. My Aunt was not yet home from work. I asked them what was happening. They said somebody fired a gun and somebody was dead.

This incident and many accidents and non-accident events are moments when I feel that I have no home. I don’t feel at home in a place where I don’t feel safe. Moreover, I don’t feel like living with my extended family anymore. I don’t feel welcome anymore and I feel that the only reason why they keep me is because of the financial help that I can contribute. But there are times, when I feel that they still welcome me… or is it just my aunt who does?

It was 2009 when my parents, despite me and my siblings’ disapproval, sold our house in Marikina. Reasons… They have reasons, which I wouldn’t delve into.  Late 2009 to 2010, we still lived in Marikina, but we were just renting a place.

May 2010, few weeks after I came back from my Stanford trip, I was staying at my Aunt’s place in another Barangay in Marikina. This is because I don’t want to stay in Montalban which is ~2hrs away from work. Yup, it is like going back and forth from province to the rural area. But really, it is in Rizal province! Well, at least that is our house.

I can say that I am into an independent living now. I earn my own money and suffice my own needs. I help the family but there are moments when they feel that what I give isn’t enough. But what is enough?

In the midst of confusion, fear, distress, despair, loneliness and anxiety, one feels like going home. But where is home for me? Home should be in Montalban because that is where my primary family is. However, I don’t feel like going there not because I don’t like to be with my family, but because I just don’t feel the place. For me, it’s a reminder of some foolish decisions. Honestly, I wanted to go to a place where my siblings and parents are waiting… where I can spend time teaching my siblings after work or trying to reconnect and communicate with them... but when would that be? I “visit” home once, twice or thrice a month and I’ve been doing that for more than a year now. I miss my family and honestly it never occurred to me before that after graduation, I’ll be moving out of my family. Yet, this is NOW. This is my current situation. Where is home?

I am planning to move out from my Aunt’s place in the soonest time possible. I want to move to a place where I can feel and call “at home”.

The PRESENT: I have a work but it doesn’t feel like a WORK; I have a home but it is not really HOME.

I feel lost.

(see, I can’t even work out my work and home stuffs, what more about love? someone needs to learn more)