Where are the essentials?

10:30PM

August 10, 2011

Wednesday

I feel lost.

WORK VS WORK

It was past 9pm and I just arrived “home” from work. Unlike in the previous months, I’ve no time to set dinner with friends because my dinner is always fast-break between the regular working hours and the side working hours. I am into the stage of contemplating the reason / motivation behind this. Is it a delaying gratification act wherein the extra money that I will be earning is an investment for my future plans (e.g., MA)? Or is it a selfish hedonistic act that is slowly transforming me into a money hunter person? With those questions raised, I think the answer is now getting clearer… my eyebrows are raised to the highest possible as an act of disapproval to the latter.

These past few days, which actually is already running for a month, I’ve been working ~10 hours per day. This working hours is different from the extra hours I spent in doing works at home (i.e., volunteer works, preparing teaching materials). So believe it or not, there are times when I am working 10-12 hours per day. This is why, my patience and compassion for my students are being challenged—that I regret a lot. With those things being at stake, my performance and my goal of teaching for the sake of teaching and influencing the youth and the future are also at stake. That breaks my heart.

It was my choice. Working late was my choice. (I believe that we all have a choice) Like the choice I made when I worked for preschool and Galileo at the same time. If you’ll ask me now, I would rather choose my previous situation (working on a half-day basis for two different employers), than working full time for Galileo and having part time outside it—but basically doing the same stuffs. If you probably know me, you’d guess the reason why I chose the half-day, half-day set-up. It is because, in that set-up, I can have variety and feel more efficient. Know that feeling when you get tired yet the fatigue feels like it’s worth it? And with the former set-up, as I said, I have variety: I can teach creatively in a mainstream set-up and still learn how to address individual students’ case through Galileo.

I hate doing the same thing over and over again without breaks from doing it. What I mean is, I can repeat things but I can’t do it over and over again in the longest time possible. That’s why I did not choose the corporate world; for the same reason that the corporate world is the act of “mastering” simple to complex tasks, with littlest variety possible (I’m sorry for friends in the corporate setting; I may have lack knowledge about your set-up and what expressed here are just opinions). And I think, with the kind of personality I have and the way of thinking I possess, doing the same thing all over again would simply not work for me—unless, I have a special task aside from the regular tasks in the corporate world…

I am a multi-tasker. It is difficult for someone like me to settle working for one thing for a long time. Whenever possible, I try to maximize time and do possible two or more things together. Probably, that lessens the quality of my productivity but I get bored doing one stuff at a time---oh, a problem is now arising. Why is that? I feel like I have the need to always divide my attention and time to almost everything. One of my students blurted out to me, “teacher, you’re not paying attention to me… only to them.” But the truth is, I first paid attention to him, then I paid attention to the others… That’s my life every single day, except for Sundays. I don’t need to address a class, because I am not handling a class. I am addressing individuals. What is this—an indirect ground training to being a Psychologist and clinician in the future?

This is the current aspect of my life which technically speaking falls into the category of work…but for me, personally, it doesn’t fall into that category.

Here comes the idealistic thinking again!

For me, work is not only about earning money; not even spending time accomplishing some things assigned or initiated. For me, work is a product of commitment, passion and integrity and money is just a bonus for that. The real reward for work is the difference you make into the lives of people being directly and indirectly affected by the work that you exert. Probably tangible reward; but really is very difficult to measure.

So what is my current work? Volunteer work and research.

The masochistic tendency again—i exert more efforts in doing volunteer works than in doing my work.  Ironically, I do not get paid in doing my volunteer works. Yes, I am not being compensated with money. But my volunteer works make me feel more compensated than getting paid with money. I am happier working with people whom I interacted with in those volunteer endeavors. I am more challenged there which fuels up my enthusiasm to exert more effort and be more creative. I also learn more and for me, those little learning are simple steps to growth and greater self-discovery. I can see the long term effect of what I am doing.

Actually, I had these days of so called volunteer-work-addict mode. Ideas for volunteer organizations marketing and income generation, as well as research stuffs just puffed out of mind. And hours later, I was working towards realizing those ideas (contacting people, sending texts and emails, writing proposals, etc.) One of the people I emailed responded with this comment:

“wow, seems like you’re very busy again….”

In contrary, I am becoming more convinced that I am just helping the money-driven persons to be more money-driven and the brat kids be more dependent and lazy persons as I implement my current work. I feel being ineffective, too, coming later (in minutes and in frequency) than usual. I’ve noticed that I managed to get up early on a Sunday for a volunteer work than on a regular day for my work—why?

I think, one thing is evident, the values and mission in my current work are not in line with my personal values and mission in life. Sad realization.

And people will say, “love your work?” How? How---when I can see my co-workers do their work not because they love or believe on it but because they can see profit on it (at least most of the time..)How—when there are times that you wish not to be working with those people at your work? How—when I can see that I am not at my best whenever I try to implement my work there?

I think, there is a reason why my boss expressed this thing: “I worry for her (me when I am already taking my MA)..” My boss worries that my energy, attention and motivation will be more divided than ever… and worry more that my “work” with them will be my least priority… I hope not, because I am staying at least for the coming year. And in that hope, I hope new worthy motivation came in the way…

I know that moving out would entail being into the painful agonizing jobsearch and wait again. But I’ll take that challenge, rather than stay in a place where everything feels like inappropriate.

I LIKE MY WORK. But deep in me, I know I can be better off somewhere else. 

HOME VS HOME

Where do you go after work? Home.

But where is home? I had this confusion in my heart but the realization just came up my head now. Now, after I’ve experienced going back and forth to the street towards my Aunt’s place. I was contemplating if I’d go to Montalban or go straight to my aunt’s place. On my way home, I planned to go to Montalban, but I felt too tired so I decided to go instead to my aunt’s place. But when I get off my co-teacher’s car and started walking towards my aunt’s place, I felt scared. People were running and wearing panic faces. I heard people saying that there were gun shots happening at the exact street where my aunt’s place is. Then, a police car came. Two armed men came out. I walked slowly…then I turned back… for a fleeting moment, I decided to go straight to Montalban (the place where my family is)..but I went back again (towards my aunt’s house)…towards where the commotion was. Yes, I am really that kind of a person who really likes risking, huh? When I arrived at my aunt’s place, my cousins and uncle were there. My Aunt was not yet home from work. I asked them what was happening. They said somebody fired a gun and somebody was dead.

This incident and many accidents and non-accident events are moments when I feel that I have no home. I don’t feel at home in a place where I don’t feel safe. Moreover, I don’t feel like living with my extended family anymore. I don’t feel welcome anymore and I feel that the only reason why they keep me is because of the financial help that I can contribute. But there are times, when I feel that they still welcome me… or is it just my aunt who does?

It was 2009 when my parents, despite me and my siblings’ disapproval, sold our house in Marikina. Reasons… They have reasons, which I wouldn’t delve into.  Late 2009 to 2010, we still lived in Marikina, but we were just renting a place.

May 2010, few weeks after I came back from my Stanford trip, I was staying at my Aunt’s place in another Barangay in Marikina. This is because I don’t want to stay in Montalban which is ~2hrs away from work. Yup, it is like going back and forth from province to the rural area. But really, it is in Rizal province! Well, at least that is our house.

I can say that I am into an independent living now. I earn my own money and suffice my own needs. I help the family but there are moments when they feel that what I give isn’t enough. But what is enough?

In the midst of confusion, fear, distress, despair, loneliness and anxiety, one feels like going home. But where is home for me? Home should be in Montalban because that is where my primary family is. However, I don’t feel like going there not because I don’t like to be with my family, but because I just don’t feel the place. For me, it’s a reminder of some foolish decisions. Honestly, I wanted to go to a place where my siblings and parents are waiting… where I can spend time teaching my siblings after work or trying to reconnect and communicate with them... but when would that be? I “visit” home once, twice or thrice a month and I’ve been doing that for more than a year now. I miss my family and honestly it never occurred to me before that after graduation, I’ll be moving out of my family. Yet, this is NOW. This is my current situation. Where is home?

I am planning to move out from my Aunt’s place in the soonest time possible. I want to move to a place where I can feel and call “at home”.

The PRESENT: I have a work but it doesn’t feel like a WORK; I have a home but it is not really HOME.

I feel lost.

(see, I can’t even work out my work and home stuffs, what more about love? someone needs to learn more)